Matt Sweet

This week has been exceedingly long already, and it's only Wednesday. Sigh.

Luckily, Wednesday is my Day of Sloth (pronounced with an echo). That means that I work only 8 hours instead of the usual 10, so I go home, open a bottle of Chateau Detroit River and curl up with a bucket of something fried. This helps me reduce the stress in my life, and it keeps me regular. Too much information?

Other bloggers write about sex, or about fabulous vacations, or about other naughty and titillating deeds. I blog about fried chicken, drinking, and being tired all the time.

I started this thing in December of last year, which makes this blog almost 9 months old. (It's time to have little baby blogs!!!) I put the counter on in the middle of January, and since I didn't want to start it at 0, I started it at 5,000. That means I've had over 6,000 hits to this blog since then, which works out to about 667 visits a month, or about 22 visits a day.

And when I read posts like the one I am currently writing, I am struck by the question, "Why the hell are people reading this?" I mean, I blog about my cats, my addiction to fried food and chocolate, I rage about politics, I bitch about feeling exhausted, and you come back for more.

My working theory as to why I'm getting so many hits? People are looking for this site.

Please, people, for your own good. Turn off the computer. Go outside. Get some fresh air.

All those visits, and I get almost no comments.

News:

Young people may actually vote in this election. Quote: "'Both the major parties are nervous about this group,' said Ivan Frishberg, a spokesman for the New Voters Project. 'And you can see why. They are the biggest pool of untapped potential voters, and they are easy to influence'." News Flash: The entire country was led to a war based on smoke and mirrors. It's not just the young that are easy to influence. So for that, I say, "Fuck you, Mr. Frishberg."

Humorous parody ads for That Man.

I have an exceptionally busy day scheduled today--seven clients. That may not seem like a lot, but trust me... seven clients is a whole lot of clients.

That being said, allow me to waste some of my morning time (during which I could be doing paperwork) blogging.

However, since my life has been über-boring lately, I will spare you the details (such as: I had potato soup and hummus for dinner! I love potato soup!) and go right into the "News Coverage" portion of this blog, in which I provide you all the things that I think are interesting or funny, with pithy little comments thrown in for good measure.

News:

Native people use traditional methods to fight against a dam. Power to the people.

Depression is common in Wall Street Bankers. They cry all the way to the bank. Get it? To the Bank! Because they work on Wall Street! Ha-HA!

Rowboat Veterans for Truth! Make sure you check out the FAQ page.

Funniest thing I've ever seen. Serious. Click here, then scroll to the third photo down. Do you see anything... unusual? (Hint for the challenged: Look out the window.) Thanks to richtoscano for that.

The weekend unfolded like this:

Friday night Jay and I spent the evening at home, bitching about our respective weeks. (Mine was really, really bad, by the way. Nothing like hearing that your job may not be funded for another year, because That Man's administration does not think that mental health is a good use of the government's money. Sigh.)

Saturday, I saw some clients in the morning. In the evening, Jay hung out with his Mensa buddies, and I stayed home and watched videos, and the Ohio State game, which was really good. I know... I'm so exciting.

Sunday, we were going to go to an art fair with Bill and Laura, but as of late Saturday night I began to feel really ill. I had some sort of stomach thing, and I will spare you the details of my malady. I called Laura late Saturday night and told them not to wait for us.

Instead of going, I slept in late and had brunch. I felt better by the afternoon, but I still knew I wasn't well enough to be at an art fair. (I will just say this: Stomach problems and porta-johns are not a good combination.) Instead, Jay and I hit the local coffee shop with our laptops. Jay did homework, I surfed.

And now we have today. This morning I attended a meeting at the Detroit Health Department. I'm going to refrain from commenting on this meeting. Which should tell you something. (Click on the link if you want a hint.)

News:

Bob Herbert on the topic of protecting the right to vote in this country. Here's the first paragraph of the article:

More than 80 percent of the population of Detroit is black. This is very well understood by John Pappageorge, who is white and a Republican state legislator in Michigan. "If we do not suppress the Detroit vote," said Mr. Pappageorge, "we're going to have a tough time in this election."

Ahh... John Pappageorge... our local racist makes national headlines again.

U of M loses to Notre Dame. I'm dancing with joy.

David Brooks divides the world into "Spreadsheet people" and "Paragraph people." Interesting statistic: Librarians support John Kerry 223 to 1. That one person is Laura Bush.

A Collection of senior photos that will make you laugh. Thanks to Rotten Ryan for the link.

First, let me just say that when I was driving to meet Jay for lunch yesterday, I saw a catering company with the worst name ever. It was called "Edibles Rex." Slogan: "Just like mom used to make."

Now the Friday Five.

1. When you are getting ready to leave your home, what are three things you always do?
I use the bathroom, I say goodbye to the cats, I make sure that the lights are turned off and the windows are closed.

2. What is the most annoying habit that you have?
How can I narrow it down to one? The most annoying... I talk to myself a lot. My co-workers have mentioned it.

3. If you could develop a new habit, what would it be?
Lamest Friday Five ever. OK... new habit... let's see... I'd like to work out every morning. How's that?

4. Do you participate in any religious rituals?
Yes I do. And they last a week, and require that I fly to Minnesotta or Vermont or some such place.

5. Describe one custom that is unique to your community or culture:
Yeah. Lamest Friday Five ever. OK... one custom that is unique... Ahhh... I'm a white male, so I'm going with ham and cheese on white bread with mayonaise. That, and Imperialism.

News:

The Pats beat the Colts. Good for them.

Paul Krugman calls That Man out on his lying. It's about time that Kerry picked up on this.

Why do some people do better under high levels of stress? Psychologists are looking for reasons.

This is odd.

OK, people. I ask for so little. Just that you guess, based on what you know about me from reading this, which one of the four items in yesterday's post is false. According to my site meter, I had 20 visits yesterday. Twenty! And only two people saw fit to try and guess.

Fine. If you don't love me, that's fine. I give and I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Nothing. That's OK... don't you worry your pretty little heads about it. I understand that you all have better things to do. I'll just sit here, hungry and lonely. Don't you worry--when I hang myself I'll try to remember to use the good towels, so it won't be embarassing for you when the police have to come.

Maybe I should go on strike for a while.

And I'm not answering the question until I get more guesses.

News:

Maureen Dowd has a few things to say about Dick Cheney.

Molly Ivins recaps the RNC.

Ellen Goodman makes some interesting points.

Horrible lunch boxes. I like the Charles Manson one.

I sing in my car. And I sing so loudly that I can only sing when driving on the expressway, because if I sing at lower speeds other drivers can hear me, and they look at me like I'm crazy. My repotoire consists mainly of Barbra Streisand songs, and it's embarassing when the man in the car next to you looks at you because you're belting out "My Man," at the top of your lungs.

My partner and I have actually argued about what our child's middle name will be. The choices are "Elwyn" (his favorite) or "William" (my favorite). We have also argued over this hypothetical child's first name. Jay favors "Eugene," and I like "Benjamin."

I sit down when I take a shower, because when I was 4 I fell in the shower and hit my head on the toilet. I tore my upper lip with my teeth, and had to get 10 stiches. Ever since then I've been more comfortable sitting in the shower.

When I was in elementary school, I took tap-dancing classes with my mother. We did a mother-son routine to the tune of Liza Minnelli's New York New York. Needless to say, she was not too suprised when I came out.

Which one is a lie? Any guesses?

News:

This is really cool. Try it. You know you want to. Everyone's doing it. You'll be cool is you do it. Go on.

Dick Cheney warns that a terror attack will occur if Kerry wins in November. All I can say is that it's about time someone clouded the election with lies and fear.

First, a conversation with my mother:

Mom: Did you watch any of the Republican Convention?
Me: Not much. It made it hard for me to eat.
Mom: I had that reaction too. What sickened me the most was the way the Republicans tried to show that there are people of color in the party. I mean, every non-white face there was on parade.
Me:T hat was pretty wierd.
Mom: It was vile and it reduced those people to being just a token for political advancement. I mean, they stopped just short of having Bob Dole sing "Mammy" in blackface.
Me: Indeed.

Next, a conversation with Carrie:

Carrie: I'm thinking the boy I'm dating is gay.
Matt: What makes you say that?
Carrie: Well, for our third date he suggested a walk in a park.
Jay: Maybe he's old fashioned.
Matt: Maybe you're in a Lifetime Original Movie, and he "just wants to get to know you to make sure your relationship is special."
Carrie: Yeah. I'm going with gay.

Finally, a recipe for Josh, to prove that he can do this on his own:

1) Heat a grilling pan in a broiler for 20 minutes, and heat a skillet on the stove on high heat until water flicked on the surface hisses.

2) Put the steaks on the skillet for about 10 seconds a side, until they turn from red to grey/brown. Flip them, and repeat.

3) Put the now seared steaks onto the hot grill pan, and put the pan back in the oven. Cook them for 4 minutes, flip them, cook for 4 more minutes.

4) Check the steaks every 3 minutes until they are done to your liking. Continue to flip them when the come out of the oven to be checked.

5) Heat a small, shallow pan on the stove on medium heat. When it is hot, put the drippings from the meat into the pan. Add flour, by the teaspoon, and stir with a metal whisk until it is blended. Continue to add flour, by the teaspoon, until the mix looks like gravy. If you go too far, you can add water, red wine or butter. When the whole thing looks like you think gravy should look, add pepper and salt until it tastes right.

(Not that we're not willing to feed you. Come over any time.)

Other things in the world:

Yoga at the office. I could get behind this.

Important poll numbers. "Before the Republican convention, 86 percent of the population thought Zell Miller was a professional golfer. After the convention, 92 percent of the population would not like to be in his foursome."

At long last, scented candles I can get behind. Mmmmm..... bacon....

What do you think of the picture?

Friday Five:

1. What are you looking forward to this fall?
I'm looking forward to picking apples with Carrie and Jason. It's one of our traditions. We go out. We pick a ton of apples. Carrie goes a little crazy. (One year she leapt off a moving tractor because she saw some juicy looking apples, shouting "Tuck and Roll, boys!" to me and Jason. Another year she stuffed apples in her shirt until she looked like the Michelin Man--to "Get her money's worth.") For me, fall is the smell of apples, and the sounds of the leaves rustling underfoot, Carrie having a little fruit-induced freak-out, and the taste of cider mill doughnuts (which are the best doughnuts in the world). After picking, we go home and bake pies until we are out of apples. Like, a dozen pies. And oh, God, those pies are good.

2. What do you regret in the past year?
Very, very little. And the regrets I do have I'm not going to post here, because they're too personal. Except for this one: I wasted a lot of time watching mindless television and looking at internet porn. That's got to stop.

3. Who was your favorite teacher?
Hmmm... I had several, because I was and still am a nerd. Here they are, in chronological order:

Ms. Hezel, who was my second grade teacher was the first teacher who actually believed that I wasn't stupid.
Dr. Stan, who was my fifth grade teacher and who recognized that I did better when I was more challenged, and got me into gifted and talented programs.
Mr. Sachs, my junior high band director, for making me see that I had to practice if I wanted to be good.
Ms. Knez, who taught me ninth grade English, and whom I hated at the time. However, she is responsible for making me learn grammar, so that I can do things like use "who" and "whom" properly (see previous sentence) and feel superior to those who end their sentences with prepositions.
Ms. Lutz, my high school French teacher--merci mille fois pour m'enseigner la langue.
Mr. Haspatcher, my high school band director, for giving me solo after solo. And it's difficult to find high school band pieces with bassoon solos.
My senior year English teacher, whose name I cannot remember, but who was the first adult to whom I came out of the closet.
Mr. Egan, my high school philosophy teacher, whom I adored.
Ms. Allard, my high school quiz bowl coach, who was not a teacher but who believed that I was destined to do great things and who said so on a regular basis.
Dr. Smith, who taught ancient philosophy at Michigan State. I wanted to be just like him.
Dr. Kopish, who advised my French senior thesis at MSU.
Dr. Norris, who taught French literature of the Third World, and who introduced me to my favorite book.
Prof. Vanderwill, who taught me Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Amazing teacher, amazing person.

I'm sure there are more, but this is beginning to sound like an Academy Award speech, so I'll stop.

4. What was your favorite subject?
English and music, hands down. Later, French became a favorite too. I hate math of all types, and did just enough to pass with a B.

5. I've handed you $500 that you must spend new clothing for the fall. Tell us how you'd spend it.
I'd buy a couple of long-sleeved shirts in neutral colors, a pair of shoes, and a new jacket. I'd save the rest to see what kinds of things I feel I need 'round about November.

News:

Paul Krugman does it again. Quote: "Mr. Bush, it's now clear, intends to run a campaign based on fear. And for me, at least, it's working: thinking about what these people will do if they solidify their grip on power makes me very, very afraid." Word.

Why aren't the protests getting more news coverage? Because if you want your protest to be in TV, you have to break windows and set fires.

Harnessing the power of psychology for interior decorating. And here's me, doing therapy. Am I out of it.

My Fellow Sodomite: The copy boy is really hot.
Me: You're not the only one in the office who thinks that. <Ed: The copy machine fixing-boy is really hot.) The question is, does he play for our team.
MFS: Oh please. The difference between "gay" and "straight" is two beers and a proposition.
Me: Yes, but usually those aren't things that you can bring to the office.
MFS: "Hey, Copy-Boy: Do you think I could get a copy of your naked body?"
Me: "Hey, Copy-Boy: Let's see if the machine can support us having sex on it. We could make copies of ourselves doing it! Heirlooms to cherish! It'll be like scrapbooking!"
MFS: "Hey, Copy-Boy: I think you'd work better with my penis in your rectum."
ME: Now, that's just too far.
MFS: Yeah, that's probably be sexual harassment. Let's just stick to the classics: "Hey, Copy-Boy: You want a blow job?"
Me: Better.

News:

Maureen Dowd writes an excellent column. My favorite quote: "Republicans know that plunging ahead with a course of action, even if it becomes obvious it's wrong, is an easier political sell than flip-flopping, even if it's right." Word to your mother.

More news about protests. Good for them. Stick it to the man.

Interesting science stuff, about discovering planets.

Why did the Republicans choose to run their convention so late in the year? Could it be to try and cut down on the number of avaliable protesters? Hmmmm...

The lastest in my obcession with bad television: Dog the Bounty Hunter. I can't even begin to tell you what it is about shows like this that fascinate me. Maybe it's the mullets. I don't know. I just know it's like watching a car crash--you know you're not going to like it, but you can't look away.

News:

Symbolic unemployment line in New York. Good times.

An anyalysis of what Shakespeare would say about That Man. Perhaps, "Me thinks he be a rancorous tard?" OK, so may be the Swan of Avon never used the word "Rancorous."