Matt Sweet

This will probably be my last posting for the week, as I am going to a training for hypnotherapy starting tomorrow. I'm going to be a hypnotherapist, or as one of my colleagues calls it, a "hypno-shrink."

I can hardly wait to make use of my new skills of mind control. Poor drivers will be punished: "When you wake up, you will no longer drive 20 miles under the speed limit in the fast lane." Check-out line morons will be dispensed with quickly: "You know you don't know how to work the You-Scan-It, so you want to let me go in front of you." Vin Diesel will finally make a gay porn flick. Ahhh... the power.

Anyway. There is a new social services agency in the Detroit area. It's called "Wolverine Health Care." I think that's probably the worst name ever. Can you imagine their slogan: "Have a festering limb? We'll chew it off for you."

News:

A man is bitten to death by a sexually aroused horse. Yes, you read that right. I keep wondering what Little Hans would think of this.

CBS doesn't know what to do in the wake of Friends and Frasier. So they're thinking, "Hell, we're involved in a no-win military quagmire, there's a struggle for civil rights going on, maybe we can get away with the same programming we showed in the 70's!" Next week: Laugh In, The Next Generation.

Yuppies start drinking Red Bull, so the New York Times pays attention. Soon, every pretentious snob will have a tongue ring. ("Man... have you ever taken E and then run your hands through your money? It's special... real special...") My favorite quote in this comes from a physician who says this about the effects of Red Bull: "You just get expensive urine."

It's good to be back at work, with my coffee in front of me, my computer keyboard under my fingertips, my Pocket PC hooked up, and all is right with the world. This afternoon is heavy with clients, and this morning will therefore be devoted to paperwork.

Here's a weekend summary:

Friday night--Dinner with Bill and Laura at Toast!, a restaurant near our new house.

Saturday--Clients in the morning, dinner with Jason's parents for Mother's Day.

Sunday--Lunch with my parents, the rest of the afternoon and evening spent doing yardwork.

I found more than the usual number of noteworthy news stories this morning. (Read: I'm procrastinating by surfing the web instead of working.) So here they are.

News:

Another celebrity lets us down. This time, it's Dan from The Real World. I, personally, feel shocked and betrayed by this behavior. I had deified Dan in my mind, and now I have no moral compass with which to use when I make difficult decisions. Why, Dan, why???

This New York Times article about a man who gives free hugs away in the park reminds me of something... something to do with Dave Matthews...

This article looks at new research about physiological causes of mental disorders.

This opinion piece details how That Manand his flying monkeys have flouted the law and the Geneva Conventions when the urge suits them.

Read Ted Rall's cartoon about abuse in Iraqi prisions. Read it. Read it now. I mean you.

And finally, I give you this Boondocks cartoon. It's about time someone said it.

"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Saturday, at one o'clock in the afternoon."

Today is my birthday, and that quote seems particularly appropriate for a birthday blog entry. As I am the Birthday Tyrant, I am going to write a ludicrously self-centered posting today, in which I use this space to think about myself, and add some of my favorite quotes from classic literature. In other words:

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

Things I am happy about:

1. My education and my erudition. OK, perhaps "erudition" is a bit arrogant. Still, I worked long and hard in schools to get where I am. I deserve some credit for all of that. I remember once I was watching The Critic on TV, and Jay Sherman was asked: "Jay, is it true you talk above the heads of most of your viewers?" To which he responded, "Allow me to answer that by quoting the last line of Gargantua et Pantagruel: "Honi soit qui mal y pense!" I thought to myself, "My God, I've actually read Gargantua et Pantagruel, in the original French, and I understand what that means. I'm way over-educated." Anyway, good on me for paying attention in school.

It was a saying of his that education was an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity.

3. My personal life. This is last, but not at all least. I am deeply in love with my partner Jason. We just bought a beautiful house together in exactly the neighborhood we both wanted to live in. I have good friends (Bill, Laura, Carrie, Kelly, Kate, Chris...) with whom I have fun. I'm very luck in many ways.

Friendship! mysterious cement of the soul!
Sweetener of life! and solder of society!

1. My health. I am overweight and I have high blood pressure. I have abysmal eating habits, and my only exercise is walking to the vending machine to buy chocolate. This must stop, but I'm dumbfounded as to how. I don't seem to have the willpower anymore to keep myself fit and healthy. Perhaps I should hire a personal trainer? Maybe if I were accountable to someone outside of myself I would have more success.

You may see me, fat and shining, with well-cared-for hide,… a hog from Epicurus’s herd.

3. My career. I would like my private practice to be my sole source of income. And although my practice is more successful than I had thought it would be at this point, I'm still some distance away from making it my exclusive livelihood. So I guess time will help me with this.

Chase brave employment with a naked sword throughout the world.

OK, so on the whole I'm pretty glad I'm where I'm at in life. Somehow, the areas that need improvement don't seem so daunting today. Maybe that's just a reflection of my general good mood, or maybe it's the other way around. Whatever.

And thank you for suffering through that with me. I'll be back to my usual self on Monday.

But for today...

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.

Jason is back from his trip to Chicago. I don't know if I mentioned that he was gone or not, but he was. He flew out Monday, and arrived back yesterday evening. He reports that all went well with both his presenation to the other economists and at his law school finals.

Jason is cool. I don't usually write much about him here, except to laugh at his foibles, but he is really, really cool. He's an economist, and for all you who don't know what that is... think about when you watch TV and you hear the news person say, "Economists predict that by 2006, President Bush's economic plan will have turned this nation into a smoldering piece of iron the size of a bowling ball." That's what Jason does for a living. But Jay is not resting on his laurels as an economist--he's going to law school. I think that's why I love him so much: He's very driven. Additionally, he's in Mensa. But if I think about that too much, it starts to go into the "negative column." Also, his blog is really, really funny. So today I was thinking how lucky I am.

OK, enough of that. Besides, no one wants to hear about good things in blogs, right?

Last night I went to the grocery store near my house, which is always an adventure. I thought, "I'll just zip in and zip out." To that end, I went to the self-checkout register. You think I would have learned by now, after having spent a cummulative total of about 2 years of my life watching the quasi-literate try to interact with the checkout scanner.

Last night I was behind a woman who went very quickly through the scan-your-item-put-it-in-the-bag process, so I was encouraged. However, when it came time for her to scan her ATM card and enter her pin, she began to have some kind of a fit. She began mashing her entire palm on the little keypad designed for the input of PIN numbers. And then... she started howling: "Take my money, you stupid machine! What's wrong with you?" The machine responded, "I'm sorry, that is not a valid option." The lunatic began to howl and mash some more.

The clerk in charge of the self-scan lanes wandered over, and said to the woman, "Sometimes the machine acts funny." This encouraged the palm-masher to beat on the keypad even harder, this time while the clerk watched. I wanted to cry. Would it have been so inappropriate for her to say, "Please type your PIN in like a human, so you don't break our machine?" Of course, maybe the clerk was affraid that the lunatic shopper would turn her violent attentions on the clerk, and thus did not confront the lunatic. I don't know. But I think that some people should be forbidden from using those self-scan things.

Stories that caught my eye:

The New York Times has some thoughts about Friends and Frasier going off the air. They have this to say about the character Frasier: "[He] was a lone pedant struggling to uphold grammar and erudition in a television landscape of illiteracy and multiple-choice game show questions." Indeed, and that's exactly why I liked the show so much. For quotes like this, I love The New York Times

George Bush Jr. reprimands Donald Rumsfeld. The rattlesnakes are starting to bite each other now.

I enjoy Wednesday. Its the only day of the week that I don't see clients in the evening. Regular readers will remember that I call it my Day of Sloth (pronounced with an echo). For this evening, I am picturing something fried and served in a bucket. And maybe with a liberal dousing of Chatêau Detroit River to wash it down. I'm hungry already.

Rather than think of what to write, I give you a Meme, brought to you by Bzoink!:

Have you ever hit someone forcefully?:	Yes. But not today. Or at least, not yet. Let's move on.
Have you ever thrown anything at a moving car?:	Yes. I was four, I got in trouble, no one was hurt, and I'm not proud of it. Next.
Have you ever been in a fist fight?:	Not really. Lots of wrestling-match-type of fights, but not really a fist fight.
Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?:	No.
Have you ever hit an animal on the road?:	No, thank God. I think I would die of sadness. I'm such a bunny-hugger.
Have you ever seen a Beatles film?:	Nope.
Have you ever cussed?:	Shit yes. All the damn time.
Have you ever been on a subway?:	Yup. I live in Paris for a brief period, remember.
Have you ever taught a little kid to cuss?:	Only by example, and I'm working on that. But sometimes, in the grocery store, I get frustrated and I let an F-word fly without first checking for children.
Have you ever cheated on a test/exam?:	When I was in high school, yes. Not since then.
Have you ever skipped school?:	Oh, hell yes.
Have you ever egged someones house?:	No. Toilet paper--yes, but eggs--no.
Have you ever gotten a computer virus?:	I have one currently.
Have you ever cried for no reason at all?:	No, there is usually a reason.
Have you ever missed someone?:	Who wrote this, a Vulcan? Of course.

News:

Walt Disney is blocking the distribution of a film by Michael Moore, saying that it is too harsh in its criticism of That Man. Way to go, Disney!

Here is an article about the possibility that antidepressant drugs, like Prozac, may not only reduce libido, but also the ability to experience romance. I think they should make that their slogan: Prozac--You can't get hurt if you don't feel anything ever again.

Here is an opinion piece from The New York Times, which stuggles to find a link between increased sexual activity and decreased rate of marriage. The old "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" argument is back with us, I see. The good part of the article is that it points out that sexual practices vary accross community lines (for example, sexual norms are different in West Hollywood than in Boise). And to that, I say: "Duh."

Michigan is a swing-state. That sounds really cool and sort of kinky, but what it means is that we can go either liberal or conservative in any given election. Michigan is a socially conservative state, with a heavy manufacturing and argricultural-based economy. Because of this, And with the upcoming election, John Kerry and That Man have both been blessing Michigan with their presence, and there appears to be no end in sight to our blessings. Last night That Man was less than a mile from my house, in Sterling Heights. I found that I had a had time going to sleep last night with that knowledge.

But here's what really pisses me off: They have to close the expressway whenever John Kerry or That Man travels around. This morning it was I-94 that was closed. A month ago, it was I-75 and I-696, both closed due to John Kerry. I'm envious of people who live in the we-don't-matter-states, like Alaska or Hawaii.

In other news, I have an appointment to see my accountant tomorrow. I do most of the minor bookkeeping stuff for my private practice myself, with the help of my computer. So I keep track of income and expenses, pay my bills, and so on. But once a quarter I have to meet with my accountant and make sure that I'm doing everything correctly. Plus, then he files my quarterly report, which keeps the State of Michigan and the IRS from making me Martha Stewart's roommate.

Usually, I look forward to these events like I look forward to having my thumb slammed in a car door. My accountant is a very nice, pleasant man... and very knowledgeable. But I am a complete flake when it comes to money (always have been) so usually my balance and what the bank says I have are completely different numbers.

But not this time. Last night, when updating my accounting software, I balanced to the penny with what the bank statement reads. That has never happened before. So now, I'm all like, "Hey! Look at me! I can add!" I'm so proud.

Oh, and the connection between my accountant and the President? They both have MBA's from Harvard. My accountant is way overqualified for what I ask him to do, and that's another reason why I am sometimes nervous about the appointments--I feel like I'm wasting his time and his skills. So kids, go to Harvard: You'll either be President, or people like me will waste your time with questions like, "Can I deduct my groceries as a business expense?" (Answer: Sometimes, but only if other people eat them. I'm not making this up.)

Only one story today:

California considers banning HIV positive people from making porn. Really, really bad idea. Let's face the truth: People who are HIV+ are having sex all the time. And, we don't discriminate against HIV+ people in any other are of employment. Why should this be different? I could go on and on, but I have to go to a staff meeting now.

The weekend was good to me. Friday, Jay and I met with Carrie for dinner. We had Indian food in downtown Ferndale. Yum. This is why I love Carrie:

Jason: I was thinking of introducing you to one of my coworkers, but he kind of has a stalker vibe about him.

Carrie: Yeah, not so much.

Matt: Well, he seems like a pretty nice guy when I talk to him. I don't get a stalker vibe from him at all.

Carrie: That's the thing about stalkers: They seem so normal at first. And then, one day, you find them sitting on your car.

Saturday, Jay and I had made plans, but they fell through at the last minute. So we spent the night just to ourselves. We had dinner, went shopping, and went to bed early. It sounds dull, but the relaxation was wicked cool.

Sunday we went for brunch, then Jay studied like a madman for his law school finals. I spent the afternoon and evening shopping for the new house, and then surfing the net. Mmmm....

The news:

Want to get laid? Drive a BWM. As a sex therapist, I feel the need to say that there are a myriad of reasons that individuals do or do not have sex. And, of course, the most important predictor of sexual behavior is the car a given individual drives. Seriously, I wonder if they could make that their slogan?

This is Ted Rall's take on Pat Tillman, the football player who turned down a million dollar contract to enlist in the military, and who was recently killed. I think that Ted may actually have something here.

This New York Times Article revives the old argument that our cultural preference for thinness over fatness is based on social values and norms, and not on objective science. As a fat man, I am all over this idea. Pass me the brownies.

I was reading His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman. This trilogy was reviewed positively in The New Yorker, The New York Times. and on NPR all in the same week. It was a sign, I tell you.

I was also reading Siegfried, by Harry Mulisch. Again, this was an NPR recommends.

And, to keep my clinical skills fresh, I was working my way through Lesbian and Gay Families Speak Out.

Music:

I was listening to:

Oasis (What’s the Story) Morning Glory. I still like this CD.

Joshua Bell, playing Sarasate’s Carmen Fantasy. It’s sublime, and he’s hot.

The Dave Brubeck Quartet, Time Out. Take five is the coolest piece ever written, period.

Links I visited often:

Amazon

Ask Oxford

Le Monde

NPR

The New York Times

WDET

Yahoo! News