Friday, April 28, 2006

Friday culture and a hottie

[+/-] April is National Poetry Month...


Shams-ud-din Muhammad is better know by the name "Hafiz." He was a Sufi master, and it is believed that he wrote more that 5,000 poems--only about 500 of them survived to the present day, however. The exact date of his birth is unknown, but Hafiz lived about the same time as Chaucer. Hafiz was admired by many of the great writers of Western literature. Even Sherlock Holmes quotes Hafiz in one of Sir Author Conan Doyle's stories. Here are three of Hafiz's works.

Cupbearer, it is morning, fill my cup with wine.
Make haste, the heavenly sphere knows no delay.
Before this transient world is ruined and destroyed,
ruin me with a beaker of rose-tinted wine.
The sun of the wine dawns in the east of the goblet.
Pursue life's pleasure, abandon dreams,
and the day when the wheel makes pitchers of my clay,
take care to fill my skull with wine!
We are not men for piety, penance and preaching
but rather give us a sermon in praise of a cup of clear wine.
Wine-worship is a noble task, O Hafiz;
rise and advance firmly to your noble task.


--

Spring and all its flowers
now joyously break their vow of silence.
It is time for celebration, not for lying low;
You too - weed out those roots of sadness from your heart.

The Sabaa wind arrives;
and in deep resonance, the flower
passionately rips open its garments,
thrusting itself from itself.

The Way of Truth, learn from the clarity of water,
Learn freedom from the spreading grass.

Pay close attention to the artistry of the Sabaa wind,
that wafts in pollen from afar,
And ripples the beautiful tresses
of the fields of hyacinth flowers.

From the privacy of the harem, the virgin bud slips out,
revealing herself under the morning star,
branding your heart and your faith
with beauty.

And frenzied bulbul flies madly out of the House of Sadness
to unite with the flowers;
its love-crazed cry like a thousand-trumpet blast.

Hafez says, and the experienced old ones concur:

All you really need
is to tell those Stories
of the Fair Ones and the Goblet of Wine.

--

At some point
Your relationship with God
Will become like this:

Next time you meet Him in the forest
Or on a crowded city street
There won't be anymore"Leaving."

That is,
God will climb into your pocket.

You will simply just take
Yourself along!


Today's hottie is Jared Padalecki. He's an excellent reason to watch Supernatural on the WB.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Matt: 1. Big Insurance: 0.

My phone rang this morning at about 9:30 am. I answered it, and a man introduced himself as "Paul," but his thick accent betrayed that this is just his nom-de-call-center, and that his real name is more likely along the lines of "Sanjay."


"Hello. I'd like to speak to someone in the billing department," he asked.

"Well, that's me," I said.

"No, I need speak with someone in billing," he repeated.

"I am a solo practice clinician," I said. "I'm the only one in this office--I do everything."

"OK," he paused for a long time, and I began to think that he had hung up when he spoke again: "We need your treatment records for Dick Grayson(1)."

Well, I'm not in the habit of giving out confidential information to strangers on the phone. Call me crazy, but "Get sued for malpractice" just isn't on my To-Do list. So I gave Paul/Sanjay the standard response: "I can neither confirm nor deny that I have ever seen such an individual, but if you can send me a release of information, I would be happy to discuss this with you."

Now, between y'all and me, I had never even heard of Dick Grayson, and since I'm all there is in this little private practice, I can say with definite certainty that Dick Grayson has never been a client of mine. However, due to confidentially laws, I can't just come out and tell Paul/Sanjay this. I have to give the standard response and play dumb. And man... am I good at playing dumb.

Paul, however, was not going to be deterred: "No. We need these records. You have recorded information for Mr. Dick Grayson?"

"I'll need a release of information signed by the client if you want to discuss this further," I said, wondering how long this will take.

He responded: "I represent an insurance company, and Mr. Dick Grayson is seeking further treatment for his bipolar disorder. It says here you treated him for that from 1996 until 2005. So, it is necessary that we have these records for billing."

"Send me a release, and we can talk." I repeated.

"OK." He pauses. "Your address is 1697 Campau? In Detroit?" he asks.

"No," I say. "That's not my address."

"Is this Dr. Matt Swetalski?" Paul/Sanjay asks.

"No, this is Matt Sweet," I replied. Suddenly it is all very clear--he has the wrong number.

"Oh." Paul/Sanjay pauses for a moment, perhaps now realizing that by tell me, the wrong person, that Dick Grayson was treated for Bipolar disorder by Dr. Matt Swetalski from 1996 until 2005, Paul/Sanjay has just committed a blatant violation of federal law, which could result in fines costing the insurance company many times more than what they saved by moving their billing department to India. Or, maybe he's just confused.

I however, know exactly what to do. "What company did you say you represented?" I ask, all innocent-like.

"Big Fat Insurance Company(2)," he replies. "So I have wrong number?" he asks.

"Yes, you do. Have a nice day." I hang up with Paul/Sanjay.

Now it's time to place a little call of my own. "Hello Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Civil Rights? I'd like to report a violation of confidentiality. Sure, I'll hold."

--
1) Not the real name, obviously.
2) Not the real name, obviously.
Friday, April 21, 2006

Friday culture and a hot guy

[+/-] April is National Poetry Month...


The Pulitzer Prizes were announced earlier this week. The Pulitzer Prize in poetry went to Claudia Emerson for her book Late Wife. Here are two of her poems.

Artifact

For three years you lived in your house
just as it was before she died: your wedding
portrait on the mantel, her clothes hanging
in the closet, her hair still in the brush.
You have told me you gave it all away
then, sold the house, keeping only the confirmation
cross she wore, her name in cursive chased
on the gold underside, your ring in the same

box, those photographs you still avoid,
and the quilt you spread on your borrowed bed—
small things. Months after we met, you told me she had
made it, after we had slept already beneath its loft
and thinning, raveled pattern, as though beneath
her shadow, moving with us, that dark, that soft.

Bone

It was first dark when the plow turned it up.
Unsown, it came fleshless, mud-ruddled, nothing
but itself, the tendon's bored eye threading
a ponderous needle. And yet the pocked fist
of one end dared what was undone
in the strewing, defied the mouth of the hound
that dropped it.
The whippoorwill began
again its dusk-borne mourning. I had never
seen what urgent wing disembodied
the voice, would fail to recognize its broken
shell or shadow or its feathers strewn
before me. As if afraid of forgetting,
it repeated itself, mindlessly certain.
Here.
I threw the bone toward that incessant claiming,
and watched it turned by rote, end over end over end.




Today's hottie is Demetri Martin. He's a comedian, and you may recognize him from The Daily Show. I think cute guys who are funny are irresistible. Watch him perform if you don't believe me.

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Laugh out Loud

I got this from McSweeney's internet Tendency, and I laughed so hard that I'm reproducing it here, in it's entirety. This is brilliant.


LADY MACBETH
ON AMBIEN.

BY LAURENCE HUGHES
- - - -

Dunsinane. Anteroom in the castle.

Enter a DOCTOR OF PHYSIC
and a WAITING GENTLEWOMAN.

GENTLEWOMAN: Two nights have I seen her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, and proceed in slumbery agitation to the kitchen, where she did claw through the pantry in the slobbering manner of a wild beast.

DOCTOR: 'Tis passing strange, for I did minister to her with Ambien, that some call zolpidem tartrate, which vouchsafes eight hours of uninterrupted sleep-great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast.

GENTLEWOMAN: She seeks other nourishment; two nights past she ate an ox. Lo you, here she comes! (Enter Lady Macbeth wearing a lobster bib.) This is her very guise, and, upon my life, fast asleep.

DOCTOR: What is it she does now? See how she rubs her hands, in the manner of one washing.

GENTLEWOMAN: 'Tis her custom to wash before a meal.

DOCTOR: Still she rubs her hands, and smacks her lips also, as one who anticipates a prolonged graze at a smorgasbord.

GENTLEWOMAN: Zounds! With what unnatural fury does she fly at the larder! Her hands like talons do tear at the contents! See how victuals fly in all directions!

DOCTOR: With both hands she scoops up comestibles of every variety and with gusto shoves them in her cakehole!

LADY MACBETH: Num-num ... num-num ...

DOCTOR: Hark! She speaks. And with her mouth full too.

GENTLEWOMAN: She doth ingest in a manner gross and vile. Thus have I known swine to feed.

DOCTOR: In sooth, her behavior is very like the swine, for mark you, she is down on all fours and squealing. What! She means to challenge the family dog for possession of the bones that are the detritus of the evening repast.

LADY MACBETH: Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!

DOCTOR: Indeed, note how, with teeth bared, she bids the dog retire.

GENTLEWOMAN: With what vigor does she suck the marrow! Ne'er have I seen this good and noble lady tie on the feedbag so.

DOCTOR: Now does she rummage in King Duncan's private stores, and without hesitation scarf his favorite delicacy!

LADY MACBETH: Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood pudding? (She burps.)

DOCTOR: What a belch is there! The heart is sorely burned.

GENTLEWOMAN: Methinks the lady doth ingest too much. Now are the cupboards bare, and all the food consumed; yet see how she still comes looking for seconds. She hath a lean and hungry look.

DOCTOR: Well, hungry anyway.

LADY MACBETH: Mickey D's! (Exit.)

GENTLEWOMAN: Haste! She makes for the castle of McDonald, the thane whose kitchen is celebrated for its tasty offerings and swift service.

DOCTOR: He whose crest bears the golden arches? But surely the household will be abed at such an hour.

GENTLEWOMAN: The drive-thru is open 'til midnight. Come!
Monday, April 17, 2006

No, honestly, this has nothing to do with Brokeback Mountain

On Saturday, Jay and I and a couple of friends went to see Professional Bull Riders at the Palace. (Eat your heart out, Ryan.) Allow me to describe the experience for you.

The evening began when the lights went down and the PBR treated us to a 10-minute salute to our troops via the Palace jumbo-tron. I wish I could accurately express the cheesiness of this "tribute." The basic concept was a soldier and his mother writing letters back and forth to one another. The mother (who not only looked like The Church Lady, but was also sitting in what looked like The Church Lady's set) would be seen writing with a voice over done in a Southern accent so heavy it was almost self-satire: "Dear Tyler. It's so comforting to know that you're out there making a difference, defending our freedom." Then you'd see the young man, sitting in front of a white backdrop, with his own voice-over: "Mom, I have learned that freedom is not free. These colors don't run. No King but Jesus. I love you." (OK, so I added the "No King but Jesus" thing, but it would not have been surprising if that had been included, trust me.)

The second half of the video was head shots of the bull riders talking about how dangerous their job is, and how they understand that sometimes, you just have to stand up for what's right. It was like they were comparing bull riding to fighting in a war. It was surreal. During this touching video, between spasms of laughter, I kept thinking, "Isn't this over yet?" I kid you not--this went on for 10 minutes.

When it finally did end, the lights stayed out and the announced said "Welcome to the PBR. Proud to be located in the U!S!A!" Trust me, there were exclamation points after the letters. And after he said the letter "U," the floor of the Palace (covered in dirt, by the way) burst into flames spelling out the letters "USA." The crowd just ate that shit up, I tell you what. As for me, when the pyrotechnics started, I jumped in my seat and shouted "Jesus-Fucking-Christ!" Ahh... I'm a classy guy.

Then the bull riders were announced--they all came out and stood on a raised platform over the flaming "USA." Some of them were kind of hot, and I couldn't help but shout, "I'll be the Ennis to your Jack!" a couple of times. It drew strange looks, but I was pretty sure that the sub-literate rednecks around me posed no real threat.

And finally, they asked us to rise for a prayer and for the national anthem. Yes, a PRAYER. "Please bow your heads," said the announcer. "Father, we are blessed to live in Your nation (more applause here), and we ask that You protect these athletes, as well as all the troops overseas (much more applause here). Bring Your light back to this nation, in this season of Your resurrection (crowd went nuts at this). Protect and defend us in Your Holy Name, Jesus, Amen." And, I shit you not, the crowd shouted "AMEN."

Then some American Idol reject sang the national anthem, and at the end of it there wasn't a dry eye in the house (well, except for me, as years of cynicism have turned my tear ducts into dried-out little husks).

And I could go on and on, because it was truly a foreign experience. But I won't. Instead, I'll just point out two highlights of the night.

First, there was the giant Jack Daniels bottle:
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Second, the most surreal moment of the entire night... Now, I want to make sure that I explain this clearly, so bear with me. At one point during the show, one of the rodeo clowns (apparently, they prefer to be called "Barrel men," but whatever) came out and rode around the arena in a little tank, ostensibly as a way of honoring our troops. Because a rodeo clown riding around a bull ring in a little tank--that says "Thank you for risking your life" like nothing else. The crowd seemed indifferent to the irony of the whole thing, and went crazy with applause and cheers.

But I actually haven't gotten to the surreal part yet. You see, they had been giving away prizes all night to the crowd. You know... Chewing Tobacco T-shirts, gift certificates for Wranglers... that kind of stuff. But this time, they were going to give away Johnsonville Brats. Well, the little clown said something about "feeling sorry that the folks in the cheap seats never get anything." So they loaded some packages of Johnsonville Brats into the cannon of the little tank, and the little clown was shooting them into the upper deck of the audience, where we were sitting. The folks in front of us, being big-time Professional Bull Riding fans, were prepared for this moment, and they had brought A BIG BULL'S EYE SIGN TO HOLD UP SO THE CLOWN IN THE TANK COULD MORE ACCURETLY SHOOT BRATS AT THEM. Of course, when they held the sign up, the little clown pointed the cannon of the tank at the sign--which was more or less in front of my face. I thought, "My last visual experience on earth is going to be of a Bratwurst flying at my face, shot out of a cannon by a rodeo clown. I'm going to die in the most absurd way possible."

Well, I lived. And I even managed to take a picture of the little tank. It's a crappy camera phone picture, but you get the idea.


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Friday, April 14, 2006

Friday culture and a hot guy

[+/-] April is National Poetry Month...



Paul Mondoon is an Irish poet currently living in America. His works are supposedly difficult to read, as Mondoon uses archaic words, subtle wit, and obscure allusions. Unusual for a modern poet, Mondoon tends to write poems with a rhyme scheme, even if it is difficult to see that at first. Here are two of his works.

Gathering Mushrooms

As he knelt by the grave of his mother and father
the taste of dill, or tarragon-
he could barely tell one from the other-

filled his mouth. It seemed as if he might smother.
Why should he be stricken
with grief, not for his mother and father,

but a woman slinking from the fur of a sea-otter
In Portland, Maine, or, yes, Portland, Oregon-
he could barely tell one from the other-

and why should he now savour
the tang of her, her little pickled gherkin,
as he knelt by the grave of his mother and father?

*

He looked about. He remembered her palaver
on how both earth and sky would darken-
'You could barely tell one from the other'-

while the Monarch butterflies passed over
in their milkweed-hunger: 'A wing-beat, some reckon,
may trigger off the mother and father

of all storms, striking your Irish Cliffs of Moher
with the force of a hurricane.'
Then: 'Milkweed and Monarch 'invented' each other.'

*

He looked about. Cow's-parsley in a samovar.
He'd mistaken his mother's name, 'Regan, ' for Anger';
as he knelt by the grave of his mother and father
he could barely tell one from the other.

Tell

He opens the scullery door, and a sudden rush
of wind, as raw as raw,
brushes past him as he himself will brush
past the stacks of straw

that stood in earlier for Crow
or Comanche tepees hung with scalps
but tonight past muster, row upon row,
for the foothills of the Alps.

He opens the door of the peeling-shed
just as one of the apple-peelers
(one of almost a score
of red-cheeked men who pare

and core
the red-cheeked apples for a few spare
shillings) mutters something about "bloodshed"
and the "peelers."

The red-cheeked men put down their knives
at one and the same
moment. All but his father, who somehow connives
to close one eye as if taking aim

or holding back a tear,
and shoots him a glance
he might take, as it whizzes past his ear,
for a Crow, or a Comanche, lance

hurled through the Tilley-lit
gloom of the peeling-shed,
when he hears what must be an apple split
above his head.



Do I know who Raul Olivo is? No. Do I care? No. All that matters is that he's pretty.


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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's not easy for a pimp

I want to direct your attention to a new blog--my friend Laura probably reads more than anyone I know, and she is very willing and happy to make book recommendations based on her vast knowledge. Laura tends to read fantasy/romance novels, usually with a paranormal flavor to them (think Laurell K. Hamilton), which really aren't my cup of tea, but still--you gotta give props where props are due, and Laura knows her shit. If you are at all interested in that sort of writing (and I know that some of you are), check out her blog: Laura Likes. It's still in the early stages, but it has big promise.


Moving on, I have come to the end of the year with my current MSW student intern, which makes me want to cry. However, I went out yesterday and picked up a thank-you gift for her: a lovely desk clock, which I'm having engraved with her name and title. (Louise, if you're reading this, act surprised.)

I had some trouble thinking of what I wanted to write on the clock. I sort of wanted to put an inspirational phrase on it, but I couldn't really think of anything appropriate. So I asked my partner to help me think of something that would inspire and thank a very hard-working future social worker. This is what we came up with:

"In Social Work, we show our thanks not with money, but with useless
crap."

"Wherever there is despair, there you will find Social Workers."

"Happily, you can only go up from here."

"You worked hard, despite not getting paid--just like a real Social
Worker."

"Don't burn out your first year; savor it over several years."


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Who's your All-Father?

An interesting little meme: Which mythological God are you? I am:



Odin


Indeed, you are 87% erudite, 54% sensual, 87% martial, and 29% saturnine.
King of the Gods and leader of the Aesir family, Odin was all wise, all seeing, and almighty. He was the very personification of authority, skilled in battle, and swift in administering justice, but also prone to unpredictable bouts of extreme wrath.

Along with his wife Frigg (yes, that was her name), Odin ruled from his magnificent hall of "Valhalla" located within the realm of Asgard, home to the deities. Valhalla was also the afterlife destination of brave and valiant mortal heroes who had fallen in battle. These dead heroes were whisked away from the bloody battlefield by Odin's elite force of armour clad female warriors called the Valkyries, charging through the sky upon flying horses.

Valkyries were originally fierce spirits of slaughter who soared over the battlefields like birds of pray, though in later Norse myth, they were romanticized as Odin's Shield-Maidens, virgins with golden hair and snowy arms who served the chosen heroes everlasting mead and meat in the great hall of Valhalla. And isn’t that just any man's dream?
Friday, April 07, 2006

Friday: Culture and a hot guy

[+/-] April is National Poetry Month...


Robert Frost is one of those poets that you have to read in high school, long before you're actually ready to fully appreciate the work. If you think you know Frost, try reading his work again as an adult. Here are two well-known works.

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


Mending Wall

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it
And spills the upper boulder in the sun,
And make gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there,
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, "Good fences make good neighbors."
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
"Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down." I could say "Elves" to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there,
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."



Today's hottie is Paul Tefler. I don't know who he is, but he sure is pretty.


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Thursday, April 06, 2006

O, ye of little faith!

OK, all of you who doubted that Christ is manifesting on the wall of my office, here is the pictorial evidence. Yesterday was a cloudy day, so I never got the direct beam of sun that manifests the Lord on my wall. Today, however, he came through loud and clear. I cropped the picture so that you could look directly upon the face of God:

It's a miracle!

Tell me that's not the face of Jesus.

Oh, and I just want to give a shout-out to the avid reader of this blog (poor soul) who, although wishing to remain anonymous, pointed out that yesterday's "Word of the Day" was "Cum." The fact that I find that really funny means that the Jesus vision is already having an effect on me--I am becoming like a child.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006

For unto me a Son is given

Today, as the sun came up over the building next to mine, and as the sunlight began to stream in through the window, I saw Jesus.

No, really. I looked up from my desk, and there, on the wall, was Jesus. For about 5 minutes the shadows from the roof of the building next to mine and the plants that I have in the window combined formed a perfect likeness of The Son of Man. (You see, I got new plants for my office recently, and this new arrangement apparently is favored by God.)

I have been blessed.

Tomorrow, I'll try to take a picture of it.
Monday, April 03, 2006

Recap

OK, so the Friday hottie and culture was, obviously, an April Fool's joke. I mean, Thomas Kinkade and Clay Aiken? Oh, that was brilliant, if I do say so myself. I spent most of the weekend chuckling about my little prank. Which just goes to show you exactly how dull most of my life is.

I did manage to have dinner with friends on Saturday, and see a clarinet recital on Sunday. But mostly, I just felt a sense of smug satisfaction.

Oh yeah, you know you're jealous.

Narcissist, table for one?

Our Hero

I see you're experiencing transference.

Tell me about your mother.

Come, sit on the couch.

There is the small matter of my fee...

Trivia!

You can find this site by Googling "Uninteresting urethra excerpts." Now that's hot.


Consumption

Poem of the Day:

Click here


Remember what Sartre said about other people?



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