Tales of a Shrink

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Think of the Children!

Last night I had to throw my fists skyward and cry out in pain: "Why, God, Why?"

Not that I was in love with Constantine... he looked like the kind of guy who spends a bit too much time on LiveJournal trying to convince other people that he's a vampire, if you know what I mean. So whatever.

But Scott Savol survives again?? For another week?? What the fuck? It's not just that he's fat and ugly--those are sins that I can forgive, being a portly soul myself. It's that he has the personality of a coffee-soaked dishcloth. Or that HE SINGS LIKE SOMEONE FROM A HIGH SCHOOL SHOW CHOIR.

This only goes to show that Democracy doesn't work.

Who can stop El Conquistidork?

[+/-] This is unrelated to American Idol, but if you want your brain to fall out, read under the cut...

http://www.neoprohibition.com/

This is a website attacking Mothers Against Drunk Driving, claiming that MADD's long-term goal is total prohibition.

Thirty seconds reading this page will inevitably produce this response: Are you shitting me?

Some of the choice quotes from the website:

"According to government data, in 2003 more people were killed by speeders (13,380) than by drunk driving (12,888)." (Ed: How many of those drunk drivers were speeding?)

"What once was considered at worst a social mistake is now recognized as a life-threatening and illegal act." (Ed: Can you believe that? What next? An end to dueling?)

"Drunk drivers are now overwhelmingly made up of product abusers who routinely reach high blood alcohol concentrations (BAC) and often are repeat offenders." (Ed: "Produce abusers?" Mmmm, that's some good spin!)

I wish this were an isolated thing, but lately these "Consumer Protection Groups" have begun sprouting like fungus on cow shit.

For example, The Center for Consumer Freedom is defending our right to make complete pigs of ourselves.

Some of the choice nuggets from this site:

"In an attempt to address childhood obesity, politicians in Texas, New York, Philadelphia, California and elsewhere have removed soft drinks from schools. But in their frenzy to control our kids' diets, they have also banned diet soda -- a zero-calorie drink, last time we checked -- along with everything else." (Ed: They banned diet soda, too? Those monsters!)

"...The ridiculous Body Mass Index (BMI) standard, which considers our fit President Bush 'overweight'." (Ed: He's not overweight; he's under-smart.)

Click here to see the Declaration of Food Independence, which is so closely modeled on the Declaration of Independence it reads like satire: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Consumers are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness; that whenever any aspiring Big Brothers become destructive of these ends, it is the right of the Consumers to alter or abolish that relationship."

Thanks to FrenchBenj for the link.

8:47 AM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Big doings...

I could write about American Idol, and how Bo Bice has what I like to call "Southern Teeth." Or about how Scott Savol described himself as "the typical guy from Cleveland," which is a claim that no one would dispute, since he looks like he is a botched attempt to clone Drew Carey. (1)

You can get all the American Idol news here. Instead, I'm going to take this opportunity to use this forum for something important.

My Birthday is coming up. That means that you all have a chance to buy me things! To expedite this process, I'm give you a list of the things that I want, and the things that I DON'T want.

Let's start with the DON'T WANTS:

This cake

Road Kill Candy

Pope slippers

A medicine cabinet designed to look like an angel with nipples

Here's what I DO WANT:

A remote that will turn off any television

Head Massager

Squid iPod cover

Sparkle

Thank you.

--
(1)

Will the world find out in time?

9:10 AM

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Render unto Caesar...

Today was the day of my quarterly update. Those of you who read regularly, and who have not yet been lulled into sleep, will know that this is always stressful for me.

Today, when I was leaving, my accountant said, "You really don't like coming to see me, do you?" And I felt really bad. Because the truth is that I don't really like going to see him.

It has nothing to do with him. If we had met under different circumstances, we could have been friends. He is friendly and outgoing, and above all he's an excellent accountant. But I always worry that I have done something terribly wrong with my finances, and that I'll look like the complete idiot that I am. Or that he'll tell me that I've done something illegal, and that I should spend the day with my partner because I'll be going to Club Fed for the next 40 years.

So I feel guilty that I may be expressing my anxieties in a way that makes my long-suffering accountant feel like I don't like him. And I'm a neurotic mess, so this worries me to the point that it will probably keep me awake tonight.

I need a good headshrinking.

Postscript: I would provide a link to my accountant, but I don't think he actually has a web page. So instead, I will provide this link to an article about him and his business. His name, for the record, is Alan Semonian, and he is very good at what he does. Plus, he has always been very kind to me, even though I am a complete scatter-brained ditz. I highly recommend him.

10:12 AM

Monday, April 25, 2005

Random... (no honestly... you'd be better off to skip this one entirely and come back tomorrow)

The official motto of the State of Michigan is "Si Quaeris Peninsulam Amoenam Circumspice." Which translates to "If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you." Because of the excessive suckiness of this motto, I propose we change it: "If you want to get five inches of snow in April, come on over.".

It snowed all weekend here in America's Mitten. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And nothing really takes the joy of out of the last weekend in April like freezing temperatures and iced-over roads.

Anyway.

Newsflash! Fat people live longer than thin people! So listen, my zaftig brothers and sisters: The next time some shrinky-dink twink gives you that look from head to toe that says, "You are huge and disgusting," you can look right back at them and say, "Oh, go walk through a harp." Because someday you will be able to pee on his grave. And that, my friends, is the best revenge.

That is all.

8:52 AM

Friday, April 22, 2005

My chest hurts just reading about it.

Hell yeah.(1)

KFC is moving to change it's name back to Kentucky Fried Chicken, in an effort to revitalize sales by maximizing it's Southern image. (2)

Kentucky Fried will also start offering other southern-themed items, like Sweet Potato Pie and Collard Greens.

I, for one, am all for this. In fact, why stop there? I say go all the way, and offer fried okra and black-eyed peas as well. And mint juleps.

And when I pull up to the drive through, I want to hear a Foghorn Leghorn voice say, "Sir, I say sir? Can I take your order, sir?"

This is better than Christmas.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

---

1) Thanks to RottenRyan for the tip.

2) Yes, I do realize that this is such a shameless effort to appeal more to the African-American community that it almost qualifies as satire. I mean, "collard greens" and "sweet potato pie?" It's like Saturday Night Live wrote the press release.

8:56 AM

Thursday, April 21, 2005

American Target-Marketing Opportunity

What gives? Another week and the weeble still didn't get eliminated.

Dude, the vertical stripes aren't slimming: They make you look like an awning.

Instead, the country's 14 year old girls and 20-something gay men voted to get rid of the sexy guy.

For the love of God, marry rich.

8:47 AM

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Spring fever

I love Spring because the sexy men in my neighborhood begin to wear less and less clothing. Like last night, while Jay and I were in Taco Bell, and this guy came in who was wearing soccer shorts and a shirt with so much of the material cut away that it didn't really deserved to be called a shirt anymore.

I know some people find that trashy--men who wrap dental floss around their neck and call it a tank top--but I personally choose to celebrate the beauty that is the human body, mostly through slack-jawed leering.

[+/-] April is National Poetry Month...

For those of you who remember Meryn Cadell, you might recall this spoken word piece from her album Angel Food for Thought.

Bumble Bee

I've met a wonderful man, and I think we're going to have a beautiful relationship together. He followed me out of the bank the other day, and spontaneously bought me flowers! Actually he held up the flowers and said that he wished he could buy them for me, but he'd left his wallet at home ... so I bought the flowers, and we laughed and walked and talked and he told me all about himself ... I mean, how could I resist?

I'm bringing home a baby bumble bee
Won't my mama be so proud of me
I'm bringing home a baby bumble bee
Oooowee, it stung me.

I probably should have resisted. Never trust a man. Why didn't read those articles in SELF magazine more carefully; I probably could have avoided this. The man is married, okay? Married, a thief, and a lousy lover too. I definitely should have resisted.

I'm squishing up my baby bumble bee
Won't Gloria Steinem be so proud of me
I'm squishing up my baby bumble bee
Oooowee, it's all over me.

I've got to do something about my life; I can't believe this has happened to me again. I'm thinking of starting a line of evil voodoo greeting cards ...

I'm licking up my baby bumble bee
Don't want evidence of my stupidity
I'm licking up my baby bumble bee
Oooo-ooo-weeee.

8:53 AM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Linktastic!

From The Onion, the cost of living now outweights benefits.

Some Presidents get libraries or elementary schools named after them. That Man gets his very own slime mold.

Some students at MIT write a paper completely full of bullshit, and are invited to present it at a conference.

Unintentionally sexual comic book covers. (Thanks to Travis.)

[+/-] An article in the NYTimes about couple's counseling, and my thoughts...

This article from the NYTimes about marriage counseling is fascinating for me, since couple's counseling is my bread and butter. Some hotshot researcher looked into the effectiveness of couple's counseling, and found low success rates. (My personal success rates are much higher than those mentioned in the article, by the way.) At one point the article says this:

And therapists say that they could save more marriages if couples started therapy before their relationships were in critical condition.

"Couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy with their relationship before getting help," said Dr. John Gottman, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington and executive director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle. "We help the very distressed couples less than the moderately distressed couples."

I've been saying that for years now! Would you wait six years to treat a broken leg? Why wait to treat a broken relationship? Oy. So pardon me, Mr Researcher: Perhaps it's not that couple's therapy isn't very effective. Maybe it's that couples wait too long before seeking help.

8:59 AM

Monday, April 18, 2005

Settle a bet...

OK, two big things happened this weekend.

Number one:

I watched America's Next Top Model--the one with the hissy fit. I really don't care for this show, but I watched it because I knew that one of the little anorexics was going to catch hell. And guess what? It still wasn't worth my time.

I've never seen RuPaul so mad!

Number two:

At a party on Saturday, the conversation turned to what accents are hot and which are not. I have very unusual tastes in accents, I learned. Here are the accents that I think are hot, and those that are not.

British accents are not hot. I don't know why; they just aren't.

Scottish accents are hot. Probably something to do with Sean Connery.

Southern accents are not hot. When I hear that Confederate Twang I immediately think, "Oh, so you sleep with your sister. How nice for you."

Minnesota accents are the hottest of all. The hottest think a boy can say is "Oh, yeah, you bettcha." Because you know that he probably has cheesecake at home.

8:52 AM

Friday, April 15, 2005

Friday poem

Those who come here looking for snark will have to wait.

April is National Poetry Month. Here is a poem by Ted Kooser.

They had torn off my face at the office.
The night that I finally noticed
that it was not growing back, I decided
to slit my wrists. Nothing ran out;
I was empty. Both of my hands fell off
shortly thereafter. Now at my job
they allow me to type with the stumps.
It pleases them to have helped me,
and I gain in speed and confidence.

8:31 AM

Thursday, April 14, 2005

American Idol Post (What has happened to this blog?)

Proving once again that Americans like to vote for talentless hacks, Nadia was eliminated from American Idol last night. This is a shame for two reasons.

The first reason is Scott Savol. I mean, seriously people?? What are you smoking?

Mr. Savol: Just not talented enough to be this ugly.

Second, I thought that it was obvious that Nadia worked very hard, and did an excellent job of passing as a woman.

"Two men enter, one man leaves!"

8:42 AM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

For the Love of Christ, there's going to be another one.

Telling reporters, "I'm not a girl, but I'm old enough to marry some trailer trash and let myself get knocked up," Britney Spears announced that she is going to have a baby.

The announcement that Britney and Kevin have conceived a child puts to rest the debate over whether Talentless Pop Stars reproduce sexually, or by some from of division. Many scientists are stunned, saying that "Ashley-Britney-Jessica-Avril are all so similiar on the genetic level that we had just assumed that they were all clones of some prehistoric Proto-Skank. Obviously, we were wrong."

Britney announced that she will begin the hunt for a suitable host organism later this week. Once found, she will stun it with venom, and then deposit her fertilized egg sack into it's body cavity, where it will grow and feed. Once the larvae Pop Star is mature, it will burst forth upon an unsuspecting America, reigning down havoc and terror in the form of reality TV shows and insipid anthems of teen angst.

To further their theme of white-trash living, Britney and Kevin are considering naming the child "Cody" if it is a boy, and "Dakota" if it is a girl.

8:46 AM

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Links

Maybe I'll post something more substantial later. Maybe not.

The Cupcake Blog. All cupcakes, all the time.

I mean this with all due respect, but straight men are retarded.

Frank Rich talks about the "Culture of Life." (Personally, I hate that term. It smacks of middle-aged soccer moms and NASCAR dads.)

What's on That Man's iPod? The NY Times has the playlist.

This article may be of interest--it's about the protesters who attended the Republican National Convention last year, and how videotape of the convention shows that they were mostly well-behaved.

9:07 AM

Monday, April 11, 2005

No f***ing way.

I'm amazed. The Vermont Country Store has a website. This is a little like discovering that your grandparents are still having sex, but without all the weirdness*.

For those of you who were raised in a cave, The Vermont Country Store is a company that carries products that make you say, "I had no idea they still even made that." For example, Chatty Cathy dolls, hot water bottles and home hair-drying helmets.

My mother loved the VCS; we ALWAYS had a tin of Common Crackers on the kitchen counter, and to this day she carries some Beeman's gum in her purse. I am so going to place an order.

_______
* Not that I have anything against the elderly having sex. In fact, when I was in graduate school, specializing in sex therapy, I had a class that focused on "sexuality throughout the life course." The professor felt that, in general, people are uncomfortable with the sex lives of older people because people don't see very much elder love. So, in order to make us more comfortable, he showed us videos of people over the age of 80 having sex. I'm not kidding.

4:15 PM

We interrupt our regularly scheduled snarkiness for this brief affirmation of life.

I had a wonderful weekend. Saturday Jay and I hung out with Laura and Bill. We ate, we played cards...

Sunday Jay and I did a little shopping in the morning. I spent the afternoon reading. I made a fabulous dinner, and then we walked to Dairy Queen.

Life is good.

8:51 AM

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Wedding photos

Jay and I just got back from the Royal Wedding. We sent our best to Chuck and Cam, and had a lovely sit-down with Liz. Anyway, I thought I'd just post some of the pictures we took.

The happy couple...

Prince Charles is always popular with the children.

Someting is attacking her head!!

God these guys are hot.

If you look close, you can read the Queen's lips: "Oh, for the days when I could have beheaded you."

11:57 AM

Friday, April 08, 2005

funny

Dance!

(Thanks to Travis for the link.)

12:26 PM

Holy Blog Traffic, Batman!

According to site meter, my blog got 436 hits this week. That seems like a lot, right? Well, it probably isn't a lot for the sexy, cool, funny or smart bloggers, but for an elephantine dork like myself, that's a HUGE number.

Maybe site meter is broken or something? (Does anyone know if Diebold has anything to do with this?) But just in case it is an actual number, I should probably post something riveting. I don't want to lose all those new people!!!

*crickets*

Wait! Don't go! Please like me!

Deep breaths, Matt. Deep, cleansing breaths...

April is National Poetry Month. So I'm thinking I'll post some of my favorite poems over the next few weeks. This one is by Marge Piercy.

The Friend

We sat across the table.
he said, cut off your hands.
they are always poking at things.
they might touch me.
I said yes.

Food grew cold on the table.
he said, burn your body.
it is not clean and smells like sex.
it rubs my mind sore.
I said yes.

I love you, I said.
That's very nice, he said
I like to be loved,
that makes me happy.
Have you cut off your hands yet?

8:39 AM

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Yeah... I got nothing

I used up all my wit for the week writing yesterdays post. Which speaks tragic volumes about both the quality and the quantity of my wit. In any case, today you get links.

This piece is so good it deserves its own post. Paul Krugman discusses why are there so many more liberals in higher education than conservatives*. His answer: Because conservatives are fundamentally anti-science. Read the article.

The creation science fair. A quote:
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

The GOP hypocrite of the week site. Amusing.

Gay camping set. I will resist the urge to make a pun on the word "camp."

People have been selling the rights to name children on Ebay for a while now. But one woman is selling the rights to name her Ovarian cyst and stomach tumor.

* What is, "They're just stupid," Alex?

8:57 AM

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Dear God, please make it stop.

Fox, that bastion of great broadcasting, is going to unleash a Reality TV network on the world. This means that starting May 24, you can see re-runs of all your favorite reality tv shows, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

Of course, this means that Fox is going to have to come up with some fresh new shows, because everyone already knows how Joe Millionaire ends. The program directors at Fox have decided to re-visit some of the reality shows that were less-than-successful. Here are some of the ideas that are being re-considered:

Malcom X in the Middle

For one week, a cute little inner-city kid is swapped with some little whitebread cracker from the suburbs. Cameras focus on the little inner city kid "educating" his new hosts about minority culture, mostly by using expressions like "Bling-Bling" and "Fo'Shizzle." Reason failed: Rev. Al Sharpton lead a highly successful petition drive to have the producers shot.

Who Wants to be the Messiah?

Conceived for PAX TV, this show features 12 strangers who compete in various contests involving Bible-knowledge trivia and the performance of miracles. Each week, someone is thrown to a pack of man-eating lions after a nation-wide telephone vote. (The catchphrase that will be used when a contestant leaves: "I'm sorry; You are not the Child of God.") The winner ascends directly to heaven, after being martyred. Reason failed: Unknown. The producers officially cited "The Jewish and Homosexual Mafias that control Hollywood."

Pimp My Ass

Seizing on the popularity of make-over shows, each episode would follow two wanna-be whores who would undergo makeovers to make them more "Ho-tastic." At the end, a pimp will come out and slap them silly, and then sell them to Johns. The whore who gets the most money from her John wins. Reason failed: Bobby Brown was originally signed as the "Pimp," but his agent convinced him it would be bad for his career.

Pretty People Doing Stuff

In this show 7 amazingly gorgeous and sex-crazed young people are forced to live together. Occasionally, they have to do things other than fuck one another. Reason failed: Actually, this show was produced. It was called "Real Road Rules Brother Surreal House."

The Simple Life: Iran

Paris a Nicole are at it again, this time in the world's largest theocracy. The girls struggle with covering each inch of their skin with heavy cloth and performing "traditional jobs," such as making babies and being whipped. Reason failed: The UN intervened, declaring that "No nation may force these two insectile skanks on another sovereign nation."

8:51 AM

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I find this stuff fascinating...

I'm a dork, so here is a meme focusing on linguistic differences.

Age: 27
Where did you grow up? Detroit, MI

WHAT DO YOU CALL:

1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks? A Creek (My father, however, says "Crick.")

2. What the thing you push around the grocery store is called? Cart

3. A metal container to carry a meal in? Lunch box.

4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in? Frying pan.

5. The piece of furniture that seats three people? Sofa.

6. The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof? Gutter.

7. The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening? Porch.

8. Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages? I say "Soda," but everyone else around here says "Pop."

9. A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup? Pancake

10. A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself? Sub.

11. The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach? Bathing suit, or sometimes swim suit.

12. Shoes worn for sports? Tennis shoes

13. Putting a room in order? Cleaning

14. A flying insect that glows in the dark? Firefly

15. The little insect that curls up into a ball? Roly-Poly. (I know, I know...)

16. The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down? Teeter-Totter

17. How do you eat your pizza? With my hands. Unless I'm in a restaurant, and then I use a knife and fork.

18. What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff? Garage sale.

19A. What's the midday meal? Lunch.

19B. What's the evening meal? Dinner.

20. The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are? Basement.

21. What do you call the thing that you can get water out of to drink in public places? Drinking Fountain.

22. Harass: Where does the accent go? Second syllable.

23. Vehicle: Where does the accent go? First syllable. (I hate it when people say "Vee-HICK-el."

24. Latter: Pronounced with with a "T" in the middle or a "D" in the middle? With a "D"

25. Kitten: Pronounced with with a "T" in the middle or a glottal stop in the middle? Glottal stop.

9:25 AM

Monday, April 04, 2005

Spring gardening, the Pope, and Pat Buchanan

What a weekend.

Jay and I spent all day on Sunday digging in the yard, planting and transplanting, weeding and fertilizing. It was a good day.

And, of course, the Pope died.

The media keeps saying that this has great political implications. And I guess it does. From what I understand, most of the possible candidates of successors are even more conservative than the current Pope. So we might get the same old party line (anti-birth control, anti-ordination of women, pro-celibacy, anti-gay, etc...) only possibly even more conservative. Meaning that the church is in danger of becoming even less relevant in a time when memberships are declining, there is a shortage of priests, and parishes are closing their doors due to lack of funds.

Devout Catholics better pray that the Cardinals tread carefully.

In other news, Pat Buchanan gets covered in salad dressing while speaking at Western Michigan University.

8:59 AM

Friday, April 01, 2005

Two things, and Links (kind of boring post... you were warned)

Thing the First
It's Spring again, which means that I'm ~~regretting the fact that I'm a gigantic blimp of a man~~ trying to lose some weight. And maybe lower my blood pressure a little. This means that I'm taking walks through the neighborhood again. One of the things I love about the neighborhood I live in is the architecture. Many times suburbs are just boring, repeating patterns. But Ferndale and Pleasant Ridge are architecturally diverse. I could stare at the different houses all day, fascinated by the way they are made. The house below, for example, which is on our street. Jason and I refer to this house as "Tara."

Miss Scarlet! The Yankees are comming!

Thing the Second
I met with a financial planner last night. (I know... this is turning into a really exciting post, isn't it?) She was very cool, and very young. I am going to refer all my clients to her when it comes time for them to resolve the "money" issues in their relationship. I like to send business to other young professionals, since I know how difficult it has been in the past to convince others that I am competent at what I do even though I'm young.

Links:

The Old Negro Space Program is a satire on the Ken Burns-style documentary. It made me want to send money to PBS.

A proposal that we shift to a 28-hour day. Actually, it's not as crazy as it sounds. It is still plenty crazy, though.

Boy George Night Light. Kind of creepy.

The Eternal Life Device. Also, creepy.

Starhawk Reveals Secret Love Affair with Ann Coulter. Quote: "We're even starting a new pagan tradition," revealed Ann. "It's called the 'Neo-ReCon' tradition."

8:39 AM