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Monday, February 28, 2005
What I learned from watching the Oscars...
Even with the best plastic surgery in the world, Clint Eastwood is still an ugly, ugly man.
 Before: "Mommy, that man frightens me."  After: More tucks than the sheets at Motel 6.
Friday, February 25, 2005
May I have the envelope please...
First, let me just note that the number of visits to my site quadrupled in the last week. That's right folks... In the week that I was on vacation, I got slightly more than four times the number of usual visitors. So, I thought I'd better give those people something to read. So let me take this time to address an important social cause.
Once again, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is promoting the fallacious premise that Hollywood actually made a "Best Picture" last year. I looked over the nominees, and I was a little surprised to find that, with one exception, I had not actually seen a single one of the pictures nominated for Best Picture, Best Actor or Best Actress. What the hell, though. I've decided to bestow my own honors on the film industry. And here they are. Best picture: Garden State Best actor: Jon Heder, in Napoleon Dynamite Best actress: Natalie Portman, in Garden State Worst movie: The Punisher Honorable mention: Alien vs. Predator Worst Actor: Brad Pitt, in Troy Worst Actress: The Wayans Brothers in White Chicks Best Rough Trade in a Dramatic Roll: Vin Diesel, The Chronicles of Riddick The "How the hell did I end up in this crappy movie?" Award: Dame Judy Densch, for The Chronicles of Riddick. Honorable mention: Sharon Stone for Catwoman. The "I cannot believe that anyone would be that stupid in real life" Award: Brittany Spears, playing herself, in Fahrenheit 9/11 Honorable mention: Anne Hathaway, playing Ella, in Ella Enchanted The "It would be a humanitarian act if I were prevented from ever being in another movie" award: Ben Afflick, for his entire life-time work The "You did not make a movie in 2004, and thank you for that" Award: Kevin Costner The "Will someone please explain what the hell is happening?" award: Ghost in the Shell Best porn film: The Passion of the Christ
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Civic Pride
Back in action
Yes, I'm back.
You probably didn't even notice that I was gone, did you? Well, I was. Jay and I went to Minnesota for our yearly "week in the woods in the middle of winter" thing. And today I have a huge vacation hangover, and I really don't want to talk about anything this morning. So you'll excuse me if I go bury my face in my coffee.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Guest Blogger
In my mind, I'm already on vacation. So I've enlisted my usual guest blogger:
Tales of the Gay Man Who is More Beautiful Than You Picture it: I'm sitting in my favorite gay restaurant with a couple of my friends--you know the restaurant I mean? The one that's too cool to have an actual name? It just has a picture of a martini on the sign out front? Anyway, we're eating dinner (Well, not so much eating as cutting up our food to make it look like we're eating) and just chatting about our fabulous lives. And I start telling about my weekend: "Honestly," I said, "Brit has been such a drag since she's been preggers! I mean, that girl used to drink, but these days she just whines about wanting crackers. I told her, 'Honey, too many more of those and Kevin's going to start stepping out with Lindsay,' and then she was all, 'Oh no, that bitch better not...' "Anyway, so after I said goodbye to Brit I ran down to Christina's place. We did a couple of quick lines, and then she's all like, 'I can smell Britney on you! Where were you!' I swear... coke makes her so paranoid! I was all like, 'Honey, I'm out of here..." Well, at that point in my story this overweight queen at the next table just starts applauding and saying "Bravo, oh... Bravo." At first I was all flattered, because my life is pretty fab. But a couple of hours later I started thinking that maybe that queen was making fun of me. Anyway, I think he was just jealous.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Happy V.D.!
Valentine's Day, of course! What did you think I was talking about?
Just remember kids, abstinence is the only 100% effective form of contraception, and you can get pregnant from open-mouth kissing. But not all romantic encounters need to end in sinful behavior. Of course, some encounters should end in sinful behavior to be worthwhile at all. For example: 
Friday, February 11, 2005
Your word for the day is "Iatrogenic."
Iatrogenic (i-at-ro-jen-ic) adj. 1) Meaning "caused by a physician's treatment," usually used to describe an illness or condition. 2) What happens to you when you wake up at 4:30 in the morning, covered head-to-toe in an itchy rash, because you have been on a seven-day course of penicillin, and you did not previously know that you are allergic to penicillin.
Oy. So now I have a hacking cough and an itchy skin rash. When people see me on the street I grunt and say, "I have... the plague..." I have to get some amusement out of this damn condition.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Things to see and do.
You get links today. Some really, really cool links.
Iowa proposes eliminating the state income tax for everyone under 30 as part of a program to keep young people from moving away. Are you listening, Govenor Granholm? A 3-mile island commerative lamp. You have to see it. How to knit a sweater for your hairless guinea pig. Cute. It's just soooo cool! It's the Iced-out scrolling LED belt buckle! You too can be a gansta geek! Cause we roll mad deep up in here, yo. Real-life Pokemon. For the 12-year old dork in us all. The Onion from February 2, 1922. Headline: "Marcel Proust Finally Dies. 'We thought it would go on forever,' say loved ones." Mmmm... That's good satire!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Further evidence that I am anal-retentive
I HATE it when businesses do stupid things with their names, like misuse apostrophes (as in "Healthy Food's"), some misspell words ("Cornner Groceries"). People, the least you can do is check the name of your company with the dictionary.
Anyway, here in Detroit, no single industry is as guilty of the crime of Inappropriate Names so much as hair salons. Today, I've decided to document some of my favorites. Inevitable Images Salon Located in the Detroit Medical Center, this place sounds vaguely like it should be styling the hair on corpses. Annointed Hands Salon This salon is actually inside a converted church, and the graphic features (You guess it!) Jesus' hands in a praying position. Their slogan: You too can have the hair of the Lord! (Oh, and you misspelled "anointed," too.) The Hair Port Oh Lord, the cleverness of the pun is too much for one human to bear! Blonde Ambitions WTF? They won't actually color your hair, but they will make you wish they had? The Undisputed Hair Salon My personal choice for the winner of the "Stupidest name of all time" award. "Undisputed?" Every time I drive by this place I am tempted to go in and announce, "I dispute that this is a hair salon. I think it is a deli." Then they would have to change their name, I guess.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Dessert is the only thing worth fighting for.
Today is Paczki Day! (Pronounced "poonsh-ki".)
For those of you who are not fortunate to live in cities where there is a large concentration of Polish Americans, a paczek (singular, pronounced "pon-check") is a doughy confection filled with fruit that is served on the Tuesday before Lent. It's Mardi Gras for people that prefer to indulge with starches and fats, instead of alcohol. Mmmmm... Authentic Paczki are made with lard, spiced with rum, and filled with prune preserves. They are sublime. Unfortunatly, it's hard to find authentic paczki. Usually you just get plain-old jelly doughnuts labeled "paczki." Luckily, I have a co-worker who made a run to Hamtramck this morning, so for the first time in years I'm eating an actual paczek. I could die. WDET, Detroit's NPR station, ran a little thing about Paczki Day today. Listen to it here. 
Monday, February 07, 2005
Rumors of my demise have been only mildly exaggerated.
I didn't post late last week because I was on my death bed. Wednesday through Saturday saw me with a fever, sore throat, aches and pains, and assorted other symptoms that I won't mention because I'm too polite to discuss all of that with you.
Being sick gave me a chance to catch up on Charmed, Judge Judy, and The Beverly Hillbillies, so I guess it wasn't a total loss. Here are some links:
That's it.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Sun Dogs...
After getting a couple of questions, I want to clarify something. Sun Dogs, or a parhelia, are an optical effect caused by the sun's rays being refracted by six-sided ice crystals in the atmosphere. They usually occur when the weather is cold, and when the sun is close to the horizon. See this page for more information.
The Sun Dog I saw is the bright spot in the center of the photo below. And no, that isn't just a spot on the windsheild, because it maintained the same position in the sky.  Sun Dogs are hard to photograph, because of their close proximity to the sun. Couple that with the over-all crappiness of my camera phone, and this is the best I could do. But you can still see it pretty clearly.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Some day he'll come along... the man I love...
Here he is now:
 I just thought I'd share a picture of the love of my life with my readers. Awwww.... we'll return to our regularly-scheduled snark tomorrow. |
