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Monday, January 31, 2005
Three unrelated things, unless you're me, in which case they all happened to you between 1/28 and 1/31 (these titles are getting increasingly longer).
The highlights of my weekend:
1) Jay and I saw The House of Flying Daggers. It stinks. 2) My mom and I had a discussion about Ann Coulter. Quoth my mother: "She makes fun of liberal women, saying that they're ugly. And who does she think she is? She looks like a cross between Shelley Duval and Seabiscuit." Word, mom. 3) On the way home from work on Friday I saw a Sun Dog. I took this crappy picture with the crappy camera on my phone, but you can still see it.  They say that Sun Dogs are good omens. And, I wasn't disappointed, because I discovered my new love, Franky G, who stars in Fox's newest over-the-top drama, Johnny Zero. Franky G now competes with Vin Diesel for the title of "Best Rough Trade in a Dramatic Role." And oh, how I wish that competition could be decided by naked oil wrestling.
Friday, January 28, 2005
A particularly appropriate Friday Five
1. Do you use profanity?
Of course I do, you dickweed. 2. What are your favorite words of frustration? Currently, I've been saying, "For the love of Fuck." It doesn't make sense, but is sufficiently vulgar to turn heads in the grocery store. 3. Did your parents ever swear in front of you? Hell yes. They still do. Why wouldn't they? 4. Do you think that films should be rated based on the language they use? Shit yes. I am not going to go see some damn-ass action movie where the hero gets frustrated and says, "Golly." 5. If you could curse our someone right now, who would it be? Hmmm... That Man springs to mind. (Note: That link is probably not work-safe, unless you are also a sex therapist. In fact, it may actually be the foulest thing I have ever seen, in my entire life. I'm not going to tell you what it is, because fortune favors the bold.)
Thursday, January 27, 2005
An Open Letter To The I hope you die, you stupid motherfucker... But wait. I promised I wouldn't get angry, as that just causes my bloodpressure to rise and brings me ever closer to sipping applesauce through a straw at the St. Frances Nursing Home in Roseville. You may want to get into the habit of checking your mirrors before you try and change lanes. I'm just saying. Because not everyone wants to drive a huge-normous SUV. You see, some of us are happy with our small, fuel efficient vehicles. You may be trying to make up for a lack in penis size by buying a giant monstrosity... I'm getting fired up again. And inhale 2... 3... 4... 5... and exhale 2... 3... 4... 5... I noticed that you had a "W in '04" sticker on your bumper. At first, this made me angry. But now, I'm come to realize that this explains everything. Either you voted for That Man because you are a bigot (in which case you were probably intentionally trying to run me off the road) or because you are mentally deficient (in which case you would not be held accountable for your actions). So, to you sir, I say this:
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Does the Christian Right know about this?
Boycott Wal~Mart, you self-important blowhards!
My partner, the slacktivist
My partner Jay has decided that he wants to do something for the gay community. I wanted him to arrange an intervention for one of his friends, who has been in the closet so long he's in danger of being donated to Goodwill. But instead, Jay choose to enter the political arena, and is sending this to everyone he knows. I am posting it here, because he's my partner, and also because I think he has a point.
[+/-] See it...The recent press about the conservative moment to ban gay marriage (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/25/politics/25marriage.html) shows that the push for a federal ban is not over. Anyone who sees the injustice of this ban can step forward and take charge of the debate. Names have a lot of power. An estate tax seems more acceptable than a death tax. The way that we, the LGBTQ community, its supporters and its allies refer to this amendment will help shape debate. Any amendment to the Constitution to restrict marriage, deny children two legal parents, and deny families the other "incidents" such as access to health care and inheritance rights is a movement against countless families. This amendment, at its core, is anti-family and its name should reflect this. I invite everyone to refer to it as the anti-family amendment. If you like this idea, please forward this email to other interested people or post it to your blog. Please help get the word out.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Guest Blogger!! (or, The Voice in my Head)
From Tales of the Gay Man Who is More Beautiful Than You:
I was making small talk at work with one of my co-workers, Mindy. (You've got to do something while you fold the khakis!) I mentioned that I had finally socked away the necessary money, and would be getting my calf implants. Well, Mindy went all crazy, babbling something about learning to love myself for who I am and shit. I said to her, "Honey, it's easier to love someone with perfect calves." Besides, what would Mindy know? She's all chubby and pale, so it's not like I should take her seriously or anything. I got so mad at her that I immediately took my lunch break, and I went to the men's room in the mall and fucked some twink. Afterwards, I rolled up my cuffs and asked him, "Do my calves look wierd to you?" He said that I looked hot, but I think he was being polite because we had just fucked. Jesus Christ, I just wanted an honest answer about my calves! Gay men can be so shallow sometimes!
Monday, January 24, 2005
Shameless plug
I just want to take a second and mention that my friend Carrie has updated her blog, and it will make you laugh until you pee. If you don't believe me, read her lyrics to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, "Ode to Joy:"
Jesus votes Republican
Weekend Activities
What did I do this weekend... Hmmmm...
Saturday was a snow day. One of the benefits of living in a cold climate is that you get snow days. And being stuck home all day with a cup of cocoa, an iPod and Tom Wolf's latest book is not a bad thing at all. In fact, I'm sharing the joy: I took a couple of pictures from our bedroom windows with my camera phone on Saturday morning.  Looking south, at our neighbor's house.  Looking west, at the park across the street. And now, a political link. Read this piece from The New Yorker about the "Social Security Crisis." A little snippet to whet your appetites: [That Man] does indeed have some ’splaining to do. This year, the Social Security system will bring in about $180 billion more than it sends out. It will go on bringing in more than it sends out until 2028, at which point it will begin to draw on the $3.5 trillion surplus it will by then have accumulated. The surplus runs out in 2042, right around the time George W. Bush turns ninety-six. After that, even if nothing has changed, the system’s income will continue to cover seventy-three per cent of its outgo. ...if one uses the economic growth assumptions that Bush’s own budget office uses when it calculates the effects of his own tax cuts, the surplus runs out in—er, maybe never. Go forth with my blessing.
Friday, January 21, 2005
One of the nice things about the Brittish Royal Family is that they're trained from birth on public comportment. For example: Don't yawn like a gasping fish, no matter how tired you are after being ridden all night by the entire Texas A & M chapter of Kappa Eplison.
Friday Five (in which I disclose a horrible, horrible secret!)
1. Number of jobs you've held:
Ten. 2. Biggest raise, by percent: I think I got a raise from $5.25 to $7.50 when I was at MSU, which is a 40% raise, give or take. That was the only job that ever gave me a raise, because it was the only place I ever worked long enough to get a raise. 3. Have you ever quit? Yes. Language Masters International... It was a very small business, and I had a "personality conflict" with the director. I walked off the job in the middle of the day. AND I insisted that they pay me for the time I worked, and threatened to report them to the government if they did not. Walking off that job was the best decision I ever made in my life, even though it felt like I was making a huge mistake at the time. 4. Have you ever been fired? Funny story. I was fired from a summer job painting dormitories when I was in college for possession of marijuana. What happened was this: The Anyway, the Now, astute readers will notice that no where in the above narrative did I ever mention that the residence hall officials actually confiscated any marijuana from me. This is because they did not actually find any marijuana in my possession. So, to review, they were charging me with possession of a substance that they had no evidence that I actually possessed, except for the "testimony" of a dog. So what did I do? I did what any smart young man would do: I called my parents and told them about it. They, in turn, engaged three (count them: THREE) lawyers, and within 48 hours I got a call from the Office of the President of the University (I am not making this up). The Office of the President wanted to know: 1) Who the hell is Matt Sweet, and 2) Why have three different lawyers been threatening the University with a law suit? The Office of the President told me that they would consult with their lawyers. And about six hours later, I got a call from the residence hall officials, who had been directed by the Office of the President to give me my job back, with back pay. Additional,, I received a letter of apology on official Residence Hall stationery, which I still have. My legal team advised me not to accept the job and the back pay, as this would be considered a settlement. Instead, they encouraged me to get some "punishment money." In other words, they smelled blood in the water. I politely told them that I wasn't interested, but should anything else happen in the future, I would keep their numbers on file. 5. Worst mistake, while on the job: Hmmm... I've said some stupid things to clients, from time to time. But I'm not going to repeat them here. I have an image to uphold.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Flip-flop
I did not post yesterday, because I was deathly ill. I'm feeling better now. Although, today's inaugeration may make me sick all over again.
Speaking of which, have you seen the petition to remove Rumsfeld? (In case you are too lazy to click the link, that is the Official John Kerry website that is hosting the petition.) Has the Democratic Party been reduced to circulating E-mail petitions? E-mail and on-line petitions usually have all the political clout of a rotting turnip. There are so many of the damn things, there are now websites that will host your on-line petition (including this petition to declare Yoda a god). This is really sad, people. Anyway. I could be all melodramatic, and talk about this being a dark day for the US and the world. I could post clever little links making fun of That Man. But I always say, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" So I'd like to announce my flip to the Right-Wing side of the spectrum. From now on I will support the teaching of Creationism in schools, because I don't really understand evolution. And, I will oppose stem-cell research, because God hates it when we cure the sick. I oppose all same-sex unions from now on, except those that are created by the wealthy children of the elite, because they should be entitled to protections and benefits that are not afforded to everyday Americans. I think that everyone should pay the same percentage in taxes, because Jesus said, "The poor are always with us," and far be it from me to support policies that would make Jesus a liar. And, I am going to buy a yellow ribbon magnet for the back of my Oh, and finally: More blood for oil! I feel like dancing! 
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
weekend activities
I had an active weekend. We had dinner at Bastone, a Belgian restaurant in Royal Oak. The food there is amazing.
Saturday night Nate and Jess had us and Laura and Bill over for dinner. Jess cooked a wonderful dinner. Much fun was had by all. On Sunday, Jay and I saw the Murano glass exibit at the Detroit Institute of Arts. And I splurged and bought some Murano glass of my own in the gift shop. I had Monday off as well, and I spent the day sitting on my butt and reading gardening magazines and plant catalogues. And that's all I have to say.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Bastard Pop
I'm always behind the times, but I have discovered a music genre called the mash-up. (For those of you who are even more behind the times than me, a mash-up is what happens when you take two different songs with very similiar melodic or harmonic structures and syncronize them. If you want to hear an example, check out this combination of The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" and Madonna's "Ray of Light," called Eleanor Ciccone.)
So far, this is the coolest thing I've ever heard: a syncronized mix of over 40 songs, mostly Beatles tunes. Of course, the music industry hates these little gems, since no royalties are paid to the artists who created the music. (Note: no one worries about royalties being paid to the people who spend time creating the re-mixes, but I digress.) To that, I quote this article from The New Yorker: "See mashups as piracy if you insist, but it is more useful, viewing them through the lens of the market, to see them as an expression of consumer dissatisfaction. Armed with free time and the right software, people are rifling through the lesser songs of pop music and, in frustration, choosing to make some of them as good as the great ones."
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The biggest thing that happened last year, that no one knows about (except Jason) because I've been keeping it a secret.
I did this Meme today, and it got me thinking...
After seeing the results of the Meme, I thought it was time I let you in on my secret: I've started playing the bassoon again. I hadn't played it in eight years, until in December of this year. Why is this a bid deal? Keep reading. (For those of you who were raised in a barn, this is a bassoon.) I started playing the flute when I was in 5th grade (such a little fag I was!), but I never really liked it. So I switched to the bassoon when I was in 7th grade because it looked and sounded cool. I started private lessons, because the band director at my junior high was not qualified to teach bassoon. Modesty aside, I had talent. Serious talent. I completely devoted myself to my music, taking bassoon lessons, piano lessons, and music theory lessons. I told my teachers in school that music came first, and that would mean that I didn't always have time to do homework. My parents supported me in this, because I had a promising future as a musician. I practiced at least 3 hours a day. I was leagues ahead of the high school band, so I auditioned to be in youth orchestras and community bands/orchestras. By the time I was a senior in high school I was the principle bassoon in the Metropolitan Youth Symphony of Detroit, and an assistant principal (and youngest bassoonist) in the Detroit Symphony Civic Orchestra. I was the principal bassoon of the Dearborn Symphony Orchestra, the Birmingham Concert Band, and the Livonia Youth Symphony and the St Clair Shores Symphony. I had been to Interlochen, and I was the principal of the Interlocken concert band. (Being first chair at Interlochen sort of gives you the title of "Best in the State.") One summer, I toured Europe with an orchestra based in Washington, D.D. In other words, I was the shit and everyone knew it. If you played bassoon, and we both showed up to an audition, you were going to get your ass handed to you. I auditioned for colleges, and my first choice was the University of Michigan. The man who is arguably the best bassoonist ever to live, Hugh Cooper, taught at U of M until 1997. My GPA from high school was rancid, because I was literally skipping class to practice. It didn't matter--when you apply to music school everything is based on auditions. I auditioned for Mr. Cooper, and the audition took 90 minutes, because Mr Cooper turned the audition into a lesson. (This was a very good sign.) By the time I was done, Mr. Cooper offered me a place at U of M, and a scholarship. I had a guaranteed seat at the best school in the country for my instrument, plus money. (If you want to hear the piece I played for that audition, click here. That's not me obviously, but it is the same music. I also auditioned at MSU, and the Director of Woodwinds at MSU was so impressed that he stopped listening to auditions--delaying all the other people scheduled to play after me--to come and personally convince my parents to send me to MSU. I'm not making that up.) So why is this blog "Tales of a Shrink" and not "Tales of a Bassoonist?" One word: Tendinitis. My senior year in high school I began to have shooting pains in my left arm. I didn't think anything of it at first, until it began to get worse and started to compromise my music. After a couple of months, I could barely hold the instrument upright. And from time to time, I found I was unable to move my left fingers at all. Then commenced a series of visits to doctors, and a series of X-rays. The prescription was simple: Stop playing. I didn't want to believe that I had to quit my instrument. So I went to a doctor who specialized in musicians with repetitive stress injuries. He examined me, watched me play, and so on and so forth. He shaped my technique and taught me a different way to hold the instrument that was supposed to lessen the pain. And it worked, for about six months. By the time I was auditioning for college I was taking over-the-counter pain killers just to make it through a rehearsal. The grim fact that there was no way that I could be a bassoonist became harder and harder to ignore. So, knowing that I only had a few more months of play in me, I turned down U of M in favor of Michigan State, because I was able to get into State on my academic record alone. After one semester as a music major I made an appointment with the director of the music program and told him that I was changing my major and giving up music. Every detail of that conversation is forever etched in my memory:
I died inside. That offer didn't make it any easier to give up what had been my life's dream. I turned him down, but agreed to finish out the year in the ensembles in which I was playing. (It would have been impossible to replace my part, and I didn't want to let the other people down.) We also agreed that I would play the University's contrabassoon as often as possible, since the contrabassoon didn't hurt my wrist as much. My last concert ever was that spring. I played with the Michigan State Wind Symphony--and the director found a piece with a contrabassoon solo. That's not an easy task. When I was done, I packed my instrument into it's case, and closed it. That was in May of 1996. In November of this year I opened the case again, for the first time. (The program from my last concert was still in it.) I've been practicing about once/twice a week, for about 30 minutes at a time since then. That's nothing compared to what I used to do, but I don't care. After almost 8 years of trying to run away from the pain that I went through when I gave up music, I've made peace with what happened. I didn't make it as a classical performer--but so what? I have a wonderful job that I love. And I'm trying something that I neved did before: I'm playing just for the fun of it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
I love my hometown, AKA: Bite me, Ann Arbor!
I have often said that Ferndale is the most liberal city in Michigan... and now EPodunk agrees with me. (Suck on it, Ann Arbor!)
Other interesting facts about Ferndale: The gay index is 235, with the national average being 100. This means that Ferndale has 2.35 gay people for every one gay person you'd find in the average city. (Making Ferndale the queerist city in the state--half again as gay as Ann Arbor, and twice as gay as Royal Oak. Let those places keep their yuppies... we loves us them queers.) Thanks to Shane for the website. In other news: I want this.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Despite all my rage...
Today I saw my accountant, and he performed my end-of-the-year-sacrificial-dance-to-the-Federal-Money-Gods, or whatever they are calling it now. All was well in Private Practice land in 2004--I even made a nice little profit, so I'm solidly in the black.
So what's in store for the practice for 2005? That's anybody's guess. Hypnosis for weight loss and stopping smoking seems popular, particularly recently. (It's probably the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing.) Hmm... maybe I'll train in EMDR. People seem interested in that. In other news... well, there is no other news. I'm hungry now.
Monday, January 10, 2005
What I did over the weekend, plus some cool links.
Weekend round 'up:
Friday night--saw Kinsey with Josh and Jay. Good movie. Saturday night--played Pinochle with Laura and Bill and Jay. Good fun. Sunday night--cleaned like a crazy man and then watched TV. No dancing until 3:00 am, no drinking until I vomit, no sex with multiple partners. It was quiet, but I liked it. Stuff to see and do:
Friday, January 07, 2005
Funny.
Thanks to the people who suggested blogs! Special thanks to "B," who pointed me to not jane addams, which is written by a disgruntled substance abuse counselor. I think it is extraordinarily funny, but it's possible that it's a "you-have-to-work-in-mental-health" kind of thing. Judge for yourself: Here is a quote that made me laugh until I peed.
**************** My plans for the weekend are: See a million clients. Hang with Laura and Bill. Sleep in late. Life is sweet.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Two unrelated topics, one of which is a Cry for Help.
Topic the first:
My new ad in Detroit's MetroTimes has caught the attention of some telemarketers. So now I'm getting calls on my business phone asking me if I want credit cards or magazine subscriptions. When they call, I politely decline, and then I ask the caller if he/she needs therapy. Usually, they respond with a indignant, "What?" And I follow up with, "Well, I'd just like to take this opportunity to see if all your mental health needs are being met, and tell you about the services that I offer." Ha-HA! Topic the second: Since I deleted some of the blogs from my Blogroll (see yesterday's post), I need some new bloggie-friends! I'm asking all of you to please suggest, using the comments, your favorite must-read blogs. I'm in the market for some new people to
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
The post that names names!!! (And two other unrelated topics, because I'm the blog tyrant.)
#1. Thinning the herd
Life is too short to read blogs by people who use the phrase: "Reluctant Yuppie." Therefore, I'm dumping some of the blogs on my blogroll. And, because I'm a vicious bitch, I'm going to list the individual blogger and the reason they're being dumped. Take that! unprotected text--You didn't update enough. Noeuds--Sorry, I never really got into you. NoFo--It was your personality, not your love handles. I wonder if I'm the only one who ever thought that you were pretty to look at for a while, but quickly lost interest after getting to know you. Hmmm... madlife--You stopped writing. Damn it. I'll miss you. LittleManScott--You don't update enough. Which is a shame, 'cause I liked you. Jonny Angel--Your habits have grown tiresome. And trite. En français dans le texte--I did my time as an undergraduate listening to professors babble about meaningless crap. I don't need to relive that in blog form. DigitalCatharsis--OK, OK, you're exotic and you have wanderlust. We get it. But I for one think you'd have better luck finding happiness if you tried lithium than another trip to Peru on a burro, or whatever. Dan Renzi--Jesus. Now I remember why I stopped watching The Real World Miami. Boy and his Toy--You stopped writing... Dammit!!! I wanted more!!! Boblog--I was all into you at first, but now... we've grown apart. Ange Etrange--We were like two ships passing in the cyber-night #2. A couple of links This NPR story about pop music reminds me why I have an iPod stocked with show tunes and bassoon concertos. We have artisan cheese, bread, coffee, chocolate. Now...Artisan Tofu. #3. Tsunami I haven't written about the tsunami in Asia yet. Not because I'm a callous bastard (even though I am), but because it really took me a few days to comprehend the scale of what had happened. For some reason, whenever I hear about a large number of people, I relate it in size to Michigan State University, where I was an undergraduate. Michigan State is just over 40,000 students, making it the nation's 5th largest university. The latest news I've read estimates the death in the tsunami as 140,000, which is about 3 1/2 times the size of MSU. That's a lot of people--more than I think I can really comprehend. Jason's mother, 2 sisters, brother-in-law, and father all have birthdays in late January and early February. Guess what they're getting? The gift of Karma--Honor donations.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Working for the man every night and day.
Why isn't Proud Mary on my iPod yet? And why isn't the "i" capitalized?
But I digress, and I haven't even begun to write yet. What was I writing about? Oh yes. Today is my first day back at work. I was greeted at the door by two of my more cheerful colleagues. Why do the I'm digressing again. Anyway. Back to work today, and today is a full day indeed. As part of my on-going resolution to be more of a work-a-holic, I scheduled myself solid today from 9:30 am until 8:00 pm, with a 30-minute dinner break. Why did I give myself a dinner break and no lunch break? I'm sometimes jealous of people who can eat at their desks on the job. I can't do that. Clients don't like it when you eat in front of them. Or when you start web-surfing. When you're face to face with someone talking about their inner demons, you're pretty much there for the whole 50 minutes. Which is fine, except it makes it hard to take care of other business during the hours of 9:00 - Again, I'm digressing. But that's OK, because I don't remember what I was going to write anyway. God, I should have taken today off. I doubt I'm going to be much good to anyone. I'll be lucky if I don't get lost trying to find the men's room. I wonder if any of the Morning People brought doughnuts in this morning?
Monday, January 03, 2005
So. It's been a while since I updated. Come... sit... read... I'll update you on past activities.
New Year's Eve Jay and I (and Josh) went to a party at Carrie's. It was a good party. I also met Tammy and Tom, whose blog I read via Carrie's site. (Go there to see some really unflattering pictures of a drunken me.) I spent New Year's Day sitting on the couch watching TV and reading. I think that Bill and Laura came over in the evening. I seem to remember going to Chili's. (Mmmm... comfort food.) Then there was another day that I had off, I think I cleaned out the office in our house. Or maybe that was when Bill and Laura came over? Things haven't been as clear since the little grey men took me up on their ship. I'm off today, and then tomorrow I go back to work. Sigh. Why can't I be a man of leisure.? |
