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Thursday, December 30, 2004
Happy Birthday
Today is my blog's birthday.
Just over one year ago I discovered blogging. So when I had my vacation time between Christmas and New Year's last year, I made a very simple template and wrote my first post. I originally started this thing as a way of practicing my HTML editing skills. They improved greatly, as a trip through the archives of my blog will show. In October of this year I gave up composing each entry in HTML, as I had been, and started using Blogger to publish. Because I'm feeling ridiculously self-indulgent, I'm going to recap some of my favorite excerpts from the past year. On other bloggers: I'm tired of reading blogs about "gym progress." Please--you're just showing off. How would you like it if I started posting pics of myself getting fatter, with comments like, "Look at how much more defined my double chin is! Five more Twinkies and I'll be able to affect the tides!" On buying a new laptop: During the process a strange phenomenon took hold of me whenever I entered a computer store: I felt power hungry. I stared, glassy-eyed, at rows and rows of laptops, each one more powerful than the last. I began to crave gigabytes. Listening to the sales clerks in Best Buy became almost pornographic—"Tell me about the hard drive," I purred to the geek in a heifer-spotted Gateway uniform. On the Democratic Primaries: People think that John Kerry is electable? Honestly—has anyone seen this man? I mean, of course, appearance is not important in elect-ability, because we Americans are above such petty concerns, right? But a quote from Christopher Marlowe comes to mind: "Is this the face that launched a thousand ships, And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?" Health issues So, the good doctor tells me that I have unusually high blood pressure, and should probably go on a special diet. (I have a stressful job, rage issues, and I get no exercise apart from binge eating. What are the odds?) So how sexy is that for someone in their late 20s?? There's no mistaking me... I'll be the 30 year old in Big Boy's ordering off the "Heart Smart Menu." Having a bad day: I fell down in the parking lot while I was brushing the snow off my car today, TWICE. That's right, my little Droogies, I fell down, got back up, and fell down again. Then Shemp threw a pie at me. The importance of Television: I heard that Angel, my most favoritist show, is being cancelled. I could cry. I'm going to have to find something else to numb my mind on Wednesday nights from 9 to 10. Yes, I watch TV, when I could be reading the classics or organizing a community of vegan potlucks. Deal with it. Frustration at the Grocery Store: Last night I went to the grocery store near my house, which is always an adventure. I thought, "I'll just zip in and zip out." To that end, I went to the self-checkout register. You think I would have learned by now, after having spent a cumulative total of about 2 years of my life watching the quasi-literate try to interact with the checkout scanner. Last night I was behind a woman who went very quickly through the scan-your-item-put-it-in-the-bag process, so I was encouraged. However, when it came time for her to scan her ATM card and enter her pin, she began to have some kind of a fit. She began mashing her entire palm on the little keypad designed for the input of PIN numbers. And then... She started howling: "Take my money, you stupid machine! What's wrong with you?" The machine responded, "I'm sorry, that is not a valid option." The lunatic began to howl and mash some more. The clerk in charge of the self-scan lanes wandered over, and said to the woman, "Sometimes the machine acts funny." This encouraged the palm-masher to beat on the keypad even harder, this time while the clerk watched. I wanted to cry. Would it have been so inappropriate for her to say, "Please type your PIN in like a human, so you don't break our machine?" Of course, maybe the clerk was afraid that the lunatic shopper would turn her violent attentions on the clerk, and thus did not confront the lunatic. I don't know. What to name our children to ensure that they hate us: For girls: Hettice Deitrude Hilma Thusullia Dawn Slothika Gwyndilla For boys: Thumbert Fomme Seighund Taylor Fartrick Leipzert My conversation with indy-rock hottie Eric Himan: Eric: ... yeah, since college lots of people in my fraternity have come out of the closet. It's kind of weird. Jay: You were in a fraternity? Eric: Yup... And it turns out a large number of my frat brothers were gay. Who would guess? Matt: Apparently, the gay porn industry. Eric: stunned silence Jay: stunned silence Kate: stunned silence Chris: stunned silence Matt: Ha-HA! How awkward! Comfort Food: I want to go to a chain restaurant, filled with fat, white people. I don't want to go to some quirky little cafe with a modern take on traditional classics--one of those places that is filled with anorexic-thin people who push their "Santa Fe Mashed Yams" around their plates and sip iced tea and look fabulous. I want to eat at a Big Boy's or a Chili's or something. My letter to people who make less than $200,000 a year and still support That Man: When I am driving through However, I do not understand when I am driving through a The quote I posted in my first entry, which I still think are words to live by today: "They eat, they drink, and in communion sweet Quaff immortality and joy." --John Milton
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Show and tell.
What's going on with me lately, you ask?
Not a hell of a lot. By following a regime of sitting on my ass and cramming gargantuan* plates of pasta in my mouth, I'm getting ever fatter. And that's about it. Have some interesting stuff: Here's a picture I took with my camera phone when Jay and I were driving home from his parent's house. Yes, that is a light-up cross on the truck's trailer hitch. As Jason said, "Come on, man... Even Jesus doesn't want you to be tacky."  frightening ski masks. Susan Sontag died yesterday. Sad day. The latest battle in the separation of Church and State. (Remember the separation of Church and State? Ahh... Those were the days.) This one is interesting: A Witch, a Satanist, an Asatruar and a white supremacist are suing the state because they have been denied the ability to practice their individual religions while in prison. The Supreme court is hearing the case, and if it rules against the prisoners, it will invalidate a law which also provides things like Kosher food and Chaplains to inmates. Hmmm... Read the article--it does a better job of explaining. *Original Text, edited due to an obscure reference: "And I keep trying to get that bitch Pantagreul to bring me some chocolate, but noooo... I have to do everything myself." Anyone out there understand that? (No fair Googling!)
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Blogging is better than working
I'm back in my office today. I have a three-day work week, and then I have another four-day weekend. I should have just taken these three days off as well. What was I thinking?
Here are some links that should make for a nice, easy transition:
Have a good day.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Thank Goddess that's over.
OK, I'm being a Drama Queen (Better to be the Queen of the Land of Drama than be a serf in the Real World, I always say.) Christmas was fine. Here are some of the highlights, taken out of context, and presented in no particular order.
Best quote: "I like Wal-mart. All the poor, ugly people go there, and that makes shopping at other stores--like Target--more enjoyable. Wal-mart is like a catch-and-release program for trailor trash." Best thing about the holiday party at Jason's sister's house: She invited her personal trainer, and he was ridiculously hot. I spent most of the party undressing him with my eyes. From now on, I'm inviting hotties to parties, as part of the decorations. The songs I played the most, according to my iPod: That's Entertainment, Judy Garland No Business like Show Business, Ethel Merman Big Spender, Shirley Bassey (I find show tunes make everything better.) The menu from the Christmas dinner I cooked:
Worst part: I have to go back to work tomorrow, after having five days off. Noooooo!!!!! I don't wanna!!!!! AAaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Merry Christmas, from the voice inside my head
Exerts from the diary of The Gay Man Who Is More Beautiful Than You:
My almost-lovers and I exchanged gifts last night. (You know about my almost-lovers, right? They are the fat, ugly people that I let hang around with me. You know--I flirt a little, I let them touch my flat abs, I make them think that I might sleep with them someday, although of course I never would. Having them around proves that I'm beautiful and desirable.) So anyway, I got an awesome sweater from Banana Republic that makes my shoulders look so hot, and four copies of the Ashlee Simpson CD. Do they know me or what?
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
I used up all my wit already this week.
Come on, people! "Fags: What won't they put in their mouths." How do you get better than that? What am I supposed to write now?
What do you want from me??? Why can't you leave me alone! I'm not a dancing monkey, here to amuse you!! Back to the cold medicine. Have some links:
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Fags--what won't we put in our mouths?
I've reduced my intake of cold medicine, so I won't be challenging anyone to a fight today. I'll leave that sort of thing to Zell Miller.
In fact, I'm cheaping out on the post this morning. Instead of pithy commentary on my life, you get a meme. The ones that I have not eaten are in bold: 1. Rabbit 2. Lobster 3. Tofu 4. Thai food 5. Chinese food 6. Goose 7. Goat Cheese 8. Crab 9. Curry 10. Prawns 11. Moreton Bay Bugs 12. Clam chowder 13. Barbecues 14. Crepes 15. Brain 16. Mussels 17. Cheesecake 18. Lamb 19. Cream tea 20. Alligator 21. Oysters 22. Kangaroo 23. Chocolate Covered Ants 24. Fried Green Tomatoes 25. Greek food 26. Black Bean Burgers 27. Mexican food 28. Squid 29. American diner breakfast 30. Salmon 31. Venison 32. Guinea pig 33. Shark 34. Sushi 35. Paella 36. Barramundi 37. Reindeer 38. Kebab 39. Scallops 40. Australian meat pie 41. Mango 42. Durian fruit 43. Octopus 44. Ribs 45. Frog Legs 46. Tapas 47. Jerk chicken/pork 48. Haggis 49. Caviar 50. Cornish Pasty Note: Haggis appears on this list only because Jason talked me out of it. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Festivus...
This article from the NY Times got me thinking... Maybe we should start celebrating Festivus?
For you who are too lazy to click the link: Festivus is a Seinfeld holiday that has crossed over into real life. On December 23 family and friends gather around an 6' aluminum pole (with no decorations) and air grievances about one another. Afterwards, the guests wrestle with the head of the family in an attempt to pin him to the floor. This part is called the "Feats of Strength," and the Festivus party does not end until the head of the family is pinned. I'm switching from Christmas to Festivus. Here's my reasoning: 1. Festivus seems like less work than Christmahanakwanzakuh. 2. No annoying versions of Christmas Carols sung by people who have no business singing Christmas Carols, like Mo-fucking Beyonce. Please... I think taking a crap in a nativity scene is less blasphemous than listening to that five-cent trollop sing about the Son of God. And don't get me started on Celine Dion. 3. I'm an angry, angry man, so I've got a lot of grievances. In fact, I think I'd just post lists of people who have pissed me off, by category. 4. I would like a chance to "clear the air" with a couple of people by I'm going back to my cold medicine now.
Friday, December 17, 2004
An open letter to Dan Savage
Mr. Savage,
Your column usually amuses me. Once or twice I have found myself directing clients of mine to your books. But your attitude about sex therapists sucks. Your writing about sex therapists--professionals in the mental health field who specialize in sexuality--is stale. Sure, you dress it up in edgy language, but in essence you are fallaciously milking the same old arguments: "Therapists want you to be sick so they can make money. Therapists make a big deal out of everything. You should be able to deal with your problems on your own." I'm sure it's easy for you advice columnists to give out quick and definitive answers to your readers. After all, you never have to look these people in the eye and see their pain. You never have to hear about the after-effects of what you say, and you don't worry about being held accountable for bad advice because there's a little disclaimer on the bottom of your articles. You tell people what they should do, with no regard to whether or not that advice is appropriate, and then you sign your checks. People like you write a column, get paid for it every time it syndicates, and then return to whatever it is you do during the rest of your week. People like me have to see clients every day and actually help them to create their lives they way they want. People like you give quips and soundbytes; people like me must negotiate the complexities of actual life. So yes, we therapist have a different standard. And yes, we tend to advocate that people with problems see a professional, because we know that there are no simple answers. I don't expect that you'd understand excatly what I mean; after all, you must be as ignorant of what I do every day as I am about what you do. But until you've done a day's work actually helping people cope with their sexual problems, leave us sex therapists alone. And remember: Not everyone can get paid to write a clever little column, Mr. Savage. Some of us must actually help people.
a few words about traffic, and then the Friday Five
This is my blog, so I can bitch about what I want. And I want to talk about why my usual 20 minute commute has taken more than an hour every day this week.
Traffic around the motor city has been ridiculous for the past few months, and in the past few weeks it has become almost intolerable. This is all due to the City of Detroit's Did someone see the Nain Rouge? Friday Five 1. Describe the condition of your keyboard: It's a black Dell keyboard, pretty clean and dust-free. 2. Can you sing, or are you always out of key? When I sing flowers wilt and birds fall from the sky. 3. What keys do you carry with you? My house keys (3 total), my office keys (4 total), my car key, the key to Jay's car, and the key to my desk. That's 10 keys total. 4. What is the key to personal happiness? Not making a lot of unnecessary drama. 5. What gets you keyed up? Politics, mostly.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
The children of America and those who love decency need your help!
I got this letter from the American Family Association today. (Yes, I'm on their mailing list. It tell me what progressive causes I need to support. Anyway, here's the letter:
Notice how they use the image of gay sex to inspire hatred and disgust in their base, and to motivate them to take action against something completely unrelated. And I love that first line. It's Hitlerific.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Reading is fundamental
This listing of the 10 Best Books of 2004 prompted me to think about the books that I read this year. None of my favorite books of this year are on this list. (Of course, some of the books that I read this year were not written this year, and therefore are not eligible for the list, but I digress.)
I read all the time. I used to have a little section on the sidebar of this blog called: "What I'm Reading," but it became a bother to keep updating it, because I move from one book to another so fast. So here, in summary, is what I read this year. Matt's Top Ten Books of 2004 #10. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell,by Susanna Clarke. I'm not quite finished with this yet, so I'm making it number ten. So far it's well-written and entertaining. #9. Coyote Blue, by Christopher Moore. This book was funny and thoughtful, much like all of Moore's work. #8. Man's Search For Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. This non-fiction work about human nature is a classic, as well it should be. #7. His Dark Materials, by Philip Pullman. OK, so actually His Dark Materials is a trilogy, not a single work. Still, it's amazing. This should be required reading. #6. The Kid, by Dan Savage. The story of how the sex columnist and his partner adopted their son. I laughed, and I cried. Seriously. I'm sitting there weeping over a damn book. I felt like an idiot. #5. Seduced by Moonlight, by Laurel K. Hamilton. This is the story of the Princess of the Fairy Kingdom who, in order to ascend to the throne, must have sex with as many men as possible. I am not making this up. It's total and complete crap, but what amusing crap it is. #4. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris. Technically, I listened to this book, as read by the author. I suggest everyone do this--Sedaris' impersonations of his family are not to be missed. #3. Rapture, by David Sosnowswi. This was a thoughtful, yet fast-paced read. #2.Cold, by John Smolens. The story of a man who escapes from prison in the middle of winter in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. #1. Siegfried, by Harry Mulisch. Many people thought this would win the Nobel Prize for Literature. It didn't, but when you read it you might think that it should have. It's the fictional account of Adolf Hitler's son by Eva Braun.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Some pictures...
Here are some pictures I've been meaning to post. Caution: The camera on my phone is pretty crappy.
 This is the city of Windsor, in Canada, as seen from a parking garage in downtown Detroit. Jay and I could get married over there. Looks tempting, doesn't it?  This is the inside of Renaissance Center, looking down. You can see the different levels of bridges. This is where R. Kelly's video for "Ignition (Remix)" was filmed.  This is a random sign in the Detroit Department of Health. What does it mean? [+/-] This last one is slightly less work safe... Yes, that's my Sigmund Freud action figure surrounded by dildos. I was looking at my Freud doll and my office's collection of penis models, and I had an inspiration. I think Dr. Freud would be pleased.
Look elsewhere.
Just some links for now.
First, a semi-disturbing LiveJournal. MrPunk2U over at LJ has adopted an inmate from this site. See the letter that the inmate sent. How do we convince kids not to have sex until they're married? Promote abstinence through the distribution of temporary tattoos. It's a Wonderful Life, done in 30 seconds and with bunnies. Make sure you check out the bonus scenes at the end.
Monday, December 13, 2004
What now?
I had a dream last night that I went to medical school. Or, more specifically, I dreamed I was graduating from med school. I woke up and had that sinking feeling that comes when you have something unspeakably awesome happen in a dream, and you realize you're back to reality.
I've been talking to Jason (half-jokingly) about exploring the option of going to med school for a while now. See, I've wanted to be a doctor since I was about 16. In highschool, I was so focused on becoming a musician that I didn't have time for anything else. (Someday I'll tell you how close I came to realizing that dream--here's a hint: I grieved so hard after tendinitus made me give up music that I couldn't even listen to classical music for 5 years. Honest to God.) Then came college. I seriously considered being a pre-med major when I was an undergraduate. At that time there were two things stopping me: 1) I hated math. 2) But the truth is that I've always wanted to have "MD" (or even the slightly less respectible "DO" after my name). And now that I'm But now there are four things stopping me: 1) My last "hard science class" was a biology class I took as a freshman at MSU. 2) The staggering sum of money I would have to borrow. 3) The time it would take to finish a program. 4) The amount of energy and time I have already invested in my current career, which I dearly love. What's a boy to do?
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Things that I witnessed this morning on the way to the grocery store
1) A couple in their 50's smiling and waving at passers-by while building a snowman.
2) A woman shoveling her driveway while her little puppy experienced snow for the first time--stepping in it with one paw, barking at it, sniffing it and then drawing back white powder on its muzzle. 3) Two African American men laughing and having the following conversation: #1: "Go home and tell your momma I said hey. And comb your hair!" #2: "My hair is natural! Don't be dissin' a brother's nappy locks, now!" I love my neighborhood.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
I am King Dork!
A Quiz:
Links:
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
You'll never take me, G-man!
Yesterday was the dreaded Quarterly Update. This is when I round up my bank statements, gather all my business-related receipts, and go into my accountant's office and pray he does not flog me for being such an idiot. When I get there, he does something magical with his computer, and then usually tells me that I have avoided Federal Prison for another three months.
Since 1) I can barely add, and 2) I have a nasty habit of *gasp* throwing away receipts, I am happy when the quarterly update goes quickly, as it did yesterday. Other than that little chore (which took 20 minutes), I had the day off. I read, I watched TV, I surfed the net, I played with the cats, and I took a nap. Remind me: Why do I go to work every day? Links:
Monday, December 06, 2004
10 least successful holiday specials...
I laughed so hard I peed a little when I read this fictional list of the the 10 least successful Christmas specials, written by By John Scalzi.
A Preview: The Mercury Theater of the Air Presents the Assassination of Saint Nicholas (1939) ...tens of thousands of New York City children mobbed the Macy's Department Store on 34th, long presumed to be Santa's New York embassy, and sang Christmas carols in wee, sobbing tones. Ayn Rand's A Selfish Christmas (1951) The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts -- and therefore Christmas -- possible. A Muppet Christmas with Zbigniew Brzezinski (1978) ...the scenes where the NSA head explains the true meaning of Christmas to an assemblage of Muppets dressed as Afghan mujahideen was incongruous and disturbing even then. Noam Chomsky: Deconstructing Christmas (1998) This PBS/WGBH special featured linguist and social commentator Chomsky sitting at a desk, explaining how the development of the commercial Christmas season directly relates to the loss of individual freedoms in the United States and the subjugation of indigenous people in southeast Asia.
How was your weekend, Matt?
Thanks for asking!
(I need friends, dammit...) Friday night was full of clients. I'm trying to move my Friday clients to other nights, so that I can Saturday was housework in the morning, clients in the afternoon, and Thai food with Laura and Bill in the evening. I ordered a big, steaming plate of squid. And I ate the whole thing. I believe that half the fun of eating out is ordering something that makes everyone else at the table slightly nauseous. (What can I say. I'm a good friend.) Jay and I spent Sunday winterizing the house--putting on storm doors, washing the screens and windows, cleaning gutters, mulching the shrubs one last time... (Big fun!) One link: Maureen Dowd reflects on Christmas.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Friday Five, et al.
This week's Friday Five:
1. Describe your current love life: Girlfriend, please. I've been partnered for 6 1/2 years. 2. Are you a monogomist? Yup. Except when I'm a no-ogomist. (See question #1.) 3. If you could, how would you change your current love life? I want Jason to bury me in chocolate. Not in a sexual way. Just me and a half-ton of chocolate. And of course, I wouldn't kick this man out of bed, 4. Worst. Pick-up Line. Ever: "Hey baby, if my love is the sunshine, then you're going to get melanoma." (For the record, the best pick-up line is this one: "Let's go back to my place and listen to Roberta Flack records and drink Kool-Aid.") 5. If this one celebrity asked you out, they might possibly have the power to pull you away from any current relationship(s): No one. But here's the short list of celebrities I would go on at least one date with: Colin Farrell (Oh yeah.) Matt Damon (Hell yeah.) Tom Welling (Superman? I'll be the judge of that.) Anna Nichole Smith (Oh, you would too!) Dr. Phil ("Two men enter, one man leaves!") Dr. Laura (All my other girlfriends turned out to be lesbians, so it's worth a try.) News flash:
Enjoy the weekend.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Guest Blogger!
(Sort of.) Since I spent last night
I met up with some friends last night--you know, guys from the gym and the baths--and we headed out to our favorite gay club, Desperations. As you know, Despo's has dollar well drinks on Wednesdays. Not that any of us drink, of course! Alcohol has calories in it. It's far better for my abs and obliques if I just take GHB to feel a buzz.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
World AIDS Day
Today is World AIDS Day, as NPR reminded me about 35 times this morning. I have had the honor and privilege to work with people living with HIV/AIDS for the past 18 months. I have met people who are facing a deadly, incurable disease with courage, dignity and hope. I am continually impressed by the strength I see in the faces of the men, women and children that I meet.
I want to honor the people that I know who are surviving and witnessing this disease. I was going to write brief notes about some of my clients, but I've decided not to do that. I'm not going to write about someone else's experience. I will let people who have HIV/AIDS speak for themselves. Instead, I'm going to quote AIDS Partnership Michigan's "Affirmation for a Memorial Moment." This is what we read at staff meetings after one of our staff or one of our clients has died. We are often blessed in meeting people who resound with courage and strength. We remember them as warriors in a fight against a disease that thinks it can beat us, but never will. We also remember our work with these individuals, who touched our lives both as professionals as well as teachers of what caring is really about. In addition, we wish that the peoples around the world suffering due to HIV/AIDS, war, poverty and other scourges will see good health, peace and freedom soon. Calling upon whomever you call upon as your own source of universal strength and glory, let us say amen. |
