Tales of a Shrink

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Things I'm can't say to people out loud, so I'll write them here and hope against hope that the intended recipient will read the appropriate message.

Dear Sir:
Your are arrogant and pompous in your yuppie-splendor. Newsflash, Pig-Shit-For-Brains: Pompous and arrogant doesn't equal smart.

Dear Madam:
Shut your pie-hole. You don't have any idea what you're talking about. The next time you want to criticize, start with yourself.

Dear Sir:
You are a fool. You are too ignorant to be incompetent.

Dear Sir:
What the hell is wrong with you? No, really. What is it? How could you not see what is so obvious to everyone else?

Dear Madam:
You drive poorly. Worse than a blind retard, if you can imagine it. Can you imagine it? Stop now, before you kill yourself, which would not be a tragedy, or someone else, which would be.

That feels better.

Passive-Aggressive much?

2:16 PM

Book Review, and some news.

I'm just finishing Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. It's quite funny in parts, and sentimental in other parts.

Most of the funny parts are not "Oh my God, I think I just peed a little" funny, they are more like "NPR listeners everywhere are grinning slightly, because they can only grin a little before they return to shaking their heads and tisking quietly at the BBC news report." The few laugh-out-loud moments come during two pieces entitled "Six to Eight Black Men" and "Rooster at the Hitchin' Post."

Even more noteworthy than the comedy is how that Sedaris expresses some touching aspects of family life in a way that seems like the author is slightly uncomfortable letting you into his personal memories. Since he does it anyway, he creates a certain intimacy with the audience.

Also, I am actually listening to the audio version of this book, and I encourage others to do the same. It is read by the author, and the author's personal voice, nuances, and impressions of his family members adds to the overall experience.

News:

A new species of tiny humans is discovered. Very cool.

Comedy Central's new show Drawn Together might be worth watching, although that's a little hard to tell from the first episode. Highlights of the first episode: The fat attention-seeking character cutting herself, the Disney Princess and the black mystery-solving musician making out in the hot tub.

That's all I've got for now.

10:01 AM

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Weekend plans

Jay and I are going to Chicago this weekend, leaving Friday morning and returning on Sunday afternoon. We should be home in time to pass out candy on Halloween. And I took Monday off, so I can recover.

Ever notice how, in the days leading up to a three-day weekend, it's really hard to get anything done at work? All I can think of is Chicago, and shopping, and clubbing (Shit! I'm going out at night??? Alert the Media!!) and the aquarium.

You read that right--I'm going to Chicago and the thing I want to see most is the aquarium. Not the boys in Boystown, not the naked people in the clubs, not the fantastic shopping.

I want to see the fish. And possibly the art museum, if we have time.

If it were warmer, I'd want to go to the zoo.

I think I'm officially out of the Gay Club.

Stuff to see and do:

That Man isn't a liar... he just has A casual relationship with the truth. You say potato... However, I would like to address this particular point: "John Tierney wrote a few days ago of a new report suggesting, based on their scores on military intelligence tests taken in the 1960's, that Mr. Bush had an I.Q. in the 95th percentile of the population and that John Kerry's was in the 91st percentile. Yet most liberals have not revised their view that Mr. Bush is a nitwit." Yes, and this is because we are talking about That Man post cocaine usage, which, like most amphetamines, will decrease your cerebral functioning permanently and significantly.

Toys designed to stimulate and improve babies' brains may not be effective after all. Fine then: Skinner Boxes for everyone!

The new iPod will hold pictures, up to 25,000 of them. It will have 60 gigs of storage. Chris... I don't have that much shit that I even want to tote around. I probably would have purchased an iPod by now, except I just can't get over the stupid user interface. That little scroll wheel drives me nuts, but I can't bring myself to purchase a "second rate" player (like the Dell DJ) so I just have no music. I'm a Taurus, what can I say.

This review is fascinating.

Fin.

12:54 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Sweet Love

I enjoy Dan Savage. I really do. But sometimes, I have to disagree with our nation's most prominent sex columnist. This is one of those times. So, for shits and giggles, I'm going to write an alternative answer to the following question:

I am an 18-year-old student with trust issues. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, and he's very supportive. I am not a jealous person or a controlling head case, because I have no problem with him going to bars or clubs with friends, going to parties when other girls are there, having conversations with other women, and so on. However, I have an uncontrollable fear that he is going to cheat on me. I break down crying and have anxiety attacks every two days or so when the "idea" that he might cheat pops into my head. I have this problem in every relationship. I've trusted all my boyfriends in every other aspect and let them do what they want, but I just can't help feeling as though they're going to cheat on me, something none of them ever did. Do you know if there is any way I can overcome my phobia?
Infideliphobic Dominatrix Experiencing Anxiety Severely

Dear IDEAS:

So you're saying that you break down and cry uncontrollably every couple of days, and yet you don't consider yourself a head case? Pray tell, what would it take for you to think of yourself as a "head case?" Would that require defecating in potted plants, uncontrollable spasms, or merely hearing voices?

Labels like "controling head case" aside, it sounds like you have a panic disorder. And here's a news flash for you, IDEAS: This has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend, and it has nothing to do with your relationships. It has everything to do with your personal drama, whatever that might have been.

You say you want to stop the anxiety and the panic and the crying. Ask yourself why you have such a strong reaction to being abandoned. (Hint: If I were your therapist, I'd be looking at your parents.) Resolve the issues you have surrounding whatever it was that caused you to fear abandonment in the first place, and you'll be on your way.

News:

College is hard. Lots of Universities are offering counseling to their students, but the quality varies greatly.

Bob Herbert writes how That Man plans on winning through suppression of voters.

This Church's website reads like a list of stupid typographical errors, but I'm pretty sure it's not satire. (For example: "Cumming First United Methodist Church: Make a Joyful Noise!")

Have a good day.

8:25 AM

Monday, October 25, 2004

Weekend Roundup, with pithy comments

Oy. Jay and I had a busy weekend. Here's how it went down, with the aforementioned pithy commentary.

Friday night Jay's co-workers came over (with spouses) for the monthly poker night. Yes, mes amis, I have been caught up in the Texas Hold 'Em craze. I won the pot, which was pretty cool. (You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and so on.) Anyway, people started drinking (which is par for the course at these things) and the highlight of the evening was the discussion of which of Jason's coworkers could beat up which other coworkers in a fist fight. I was wondering if people were going to head out to the backyard and actually start fighting. Happily, that did not happen. I keep trying to convince people that civilized folk do not get into bar brawls, but no one seems to be listening.

Saturday night Jay and I entertained Bill and Laura. We played cards and had pizza. We tried to pawn off some of the beer that Jay's coworkers left us, but they wouldn't have it. Seriously--our kitchen chock full o' beer. The thought of it makes me mildly nausous.

Sunday Jay and I entertained his other coworkers--you see, Jay had felt bad that the only people who have seen our new house are the ~~rowdy drunkards~~ people who play poker. So he invited the rest of his office over. I cooked chicken in port, which is like chicken marsala--but with port instead of marsala, natch. I made roasted root vegs, and served the whole thing with a salad of wild greens and french bread. For dessert, an orange blossom cake from an old family recipe. The "family recipe" is called "Aunt Rose's Orange Cake," and on the bottom of the recipe is a hand-written note that says, "Pray for Neil!" I don't have an Aunt Rose, and I don't know who Neil is. But those things are on the recipe, and who am I to argue with tradition?

News:

There's nothing new in this piece by Nicholas Kristof about cherry picking Bible passages for political gain, but it's nice to keep this stuff in circulation.

The Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times" isn't Chinese at all. (Thanks to LYD for that.

That's all.

9:28 AM

Friday, October 22, 2004

Stick a cork up your cry-hole!

The therapist is grumpy today. And I know what you're thinking: "How is that different from any other day?"

News:

Taxes have to go up, and here's why. We just need to grin and bear it, people.

The most scary thing about That Man's reëllection is the possibility that he will appoint judges to the Supreme Court. That would change the face of this country for generations.

Read what Hunter Thompson has to say about That Man.

Have a good day. I'll post a Friday Five when the update the page with a new set of questions.

7:32 AM

Thursday, October 21, 2004

So you're Eurotrash, huh? How's that working out for you?

What the hell is a club promoter? I've seen that job description pop up on a couple of different reality tv shows now, and I'm dumbfounded as to what it means. Are these the people who hand out postcard-sized flyers that say things like, "Hot! Hot! Hot! Come to The Meat House Tonight!"?

I wonder... how much job satisfaction can come from handing out little coupons for "$2 Off Well Drinks on Wednesday"? No wonder these folks are on reality tv.

I asked Jay that this morning. He said that a "club promoter" is basically a professional partier. Fine and dandy... what does that pay? And how's the dental plan? Seriously people... get a real job. (And being a school librarian doesn't count.)

Lots of news today:

The Red Sox beat the Yankees. I know, I know... the majority of my readership is saying, "Who Cares?" But it's big news in the rest of the world.

Maureen Dowd writes about That Man's faith, and how it leads to bad governance. Quote: "J.F.K. had to fight the anti-papist expectation that his Oval Office would take orders from heaven. For W., it's a selling point."

William Safire, ~~A.K.A. The Dumbest Man in Journalism Today~~, claims that the Kerry campaign is trying to scare Americans into voting Kerry. Jesus, where was Safire when Vice President Dr. Evil said that America is likely to be attacked by terrorists if Kerry is elected? Hats off to you, Mr. Safire--You officially win the Lois Lane Prize for Failure to Notice the Obvious in Journalism.

This article describes a little of what it is like for shrinks to lose a client to suicide. The article is written by an MD, so of course it completely ignores other providers of mental health (psychologists, psychotherapists, counselors...), but you get the picture.

Personality Tests: Fun on a Saturday night, or a pile of crap? I think this article fails to capture the nuisances of a personality test--in other words, what are they testing for? Some tests are more useful as a conversation piece (Myers-Briggs) and others are useful as far as a diagnostic tool for certain personality disorders (for example: Rorschach fairly accuratly diagnoses Obcessive-Compulsives and Narcissists; the PAI can usually diagnose Borderlines and Dependents, etc.) No test is a substitute for a clinical interview and a detailed history, done by a trained therapist. In general, though, we worry too much about labels. As a behaviorist, I tend to focus more on adaptive and maladaptive behaviors, instead of diagnoses. I find I get better results when I stop worrying about what to call people and start working to help them make life changes.

Done.

8:38 AM

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Jon Stewart, I love you.

Last night was pretty standard in the Matt-verse.

However, I did finally get around to watching the clip of Jon Stewart on Crossfire. (See it here if you haven't already.) It's pretty cool to hear someone actually say that shows like Crossfire are hurting America because they substitute political theater for real debate. Read what The New York Times says about it here.

The truth is that CNN (and by extension, Crossfire) is pissed because of news reports like this one, which shows that: 1) Viewers of The Daily Show are more likely to have more education that viewers of network news, and 2) Daily Show viewers also know more about politics than viewers of network news. So Jon Stewart does a better job either educating or attracting the more informed citizen. Or, possibly both.

But of course, we knew that.

The rest of the world has something to say:

This is the most fun I've had all day. (For those of you who need a preview--it's a little program where you drag letters around. The problem is that other people are also dragging letters around. Try it. You'll see.)

Small Town America tries to sue a big company for taking advantage of tax breaks, and then relocating. This is one to watch.

Fuck you, butter lady! Thanks to Craig's List for giving voice to the crazies.

And a note to all my bloggie-friends: The lack of commenting has been unacceptable. I need validation, people! As of this writing, I have received one comment from yesterday's post, saying that "I look evil." This is just not sufficient. We all need to do our part to stroke my ego. This means you.

Thank you.

7:41 AM

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Worth 2,000 words, give or take.

Today has been a slow blog day, and the news is depressing, so I am trying to figure out what to do for the rest of my lunch hour.

So I'm posting pictures. The first one is me screwing around with my camera phone. The second one is Pandora, one of my cats.

[+/-] See them...

Loverly.

12:28 PM

Eureka!

After months of thinking, "Dick Cheney reminds me of someone... who is it?" I have finally found the answer.

It's not Skeletor, it's not Mr. Burns... Dick Cheney looks like Mr Potter, the evil miser from It's a Wonderful Life.

Now I can sleep at night.

Oh, and I wanted to let everyone know that I usually don't talk as fast as I did on the Audioblog yesterday. I was in a hurry, since I had locked myself out of the Health Department (by going out a fire door) and I was trying to get back in. Sadly, I found my way back in before the conference reconvened.

Stuff to see and do:

That Man and his adminstration have a poor relationship with science. It's because he's stupid, people. Let's just agree to that, and move on.

The fate of the Supreme Court depends on this election, and that's a scary thought.

Bob Herbert has this to sayt on the war in Iraq: "There should no longer be any doubt that the war in Iraq is an exercise in lunacy. It was launched with a spurious rationale, the weapons of mass destruction, which turned out to be a fantasy relentlessly stoked by obsessively hawkish middle-aged men who ran and hid when they were of fighting age and the nation was at war." Snap. Read the rest here.

This "Baa, Baa, Imperial Sheep", is ridiculously cute.

Have a good day.

8:21 AM

Monday, October 18, 2004

9:52 AM

Friday, October 15, 2004

I'm learning how to add photos from photobucket, so they don't take up all the space I have on poor old mattsweet.com. So here are two photos, hopefully.

The first picture is one of a house in our neighborhood. They people who live there just finished a pretty massive remodeling project, and it looks good.

The second one is a picture of my office.

[+/-] See them...

Cool.

11:32 AM

Friday Five

1. Are you repressing any urges?

Yes. It is a rainy, dark day here in Detroit, and I am repressing the urge to get in my car, go home, curl up with my cats and a cup of cocoa and read for the rest of the day. I will repress this urge until about 4:30, at which time I will make it a reality.

2. What's the worst you've ever screwed someone over?
I admit to nothing!

3. Who's on your "celebs I wish I could make out with" list?
That would be a LONG list. So here are the top five: Vin Diesel, Kerr Smith, Rob Thomas, Tom Welling, and Randy Orton. (Yes, the last one is a professional wrestler, so sue me.)

4. Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Yes, in a restaurant, when I was having lunch with Billy Crystal. It was quite funny, really! After we all stopped laughing, Billy said to me, "I need to think of a way to use that in a movie." I said, "Oh, Billy... Let me tell you about the time I went on a cattle drive."

5. If you were forced at gunpoint to get a tattoo, what would it be?
A tribal tattoo would be tempting, but I think I'd say I wanted, "This man has a gun! Say you have to go the back for something, and call the police!"

News:

John Kerry mentioned that Mary Cheney is a lesbian in the debate on Wednesday, and Republicans are pissed. Of course they are! They would rather that us GLBT people just disappear, wouldn't they? In this article you can read about what John Kerry says about the issue, what Dick and Mrs. Evil say about the issue, what John Edwards and his wife say about the issue, and what That Man and his wife say about the issue. So what does Mary Cheney think? "Bush-Cheney campaign aides said Mary Cheney would not be available for comment."

Paul Krugman writes about Republicans efforts to disenfranchise Democratic voters. Somewhere, Dick Cheney is tenting his fingers and saying, "Excellent."

Dick Cheney vows to attack America if Kerry is elected. It's satire, right? Please say it is.

Have a good Friday.

8:02 AM

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Fuck off, Malfoy!

Here is a website that relates Myers-Briggs personality type to Hogwart's Sorting Hat. As an ENFJ, I'm a Gryffindor.

Who knew?

I would have thought Ravenclaw, or Slytherin.

Here is an article in The NY Times explaining the importance of Jacques Derrida to 20th Century thought. It's worth a read.

I love Teresa Heinz Kerry. She reminds me a little of Martha Stewart.

Thomas Friedman explains why That Man is addicted to 9-11

Have a good day.

9:11 AM

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

WTF?

For all of you who have furry fetishes, and who have psychotherapist fetishes, I give you this. I think it's about time someone filled the gap in the market for erotic images of animals in a therapist's office.

[+/-] See it

Thanks to The Fabulous and Sexy French Benj for the show/hide technology.

12:07 PM

Les Nouvelles

Les Francais ne jouent plus. Les "Salles de spectacles" (Lisez: les cinemas, les theatres) peuvent bloquer des telephones portables.

(For the non-francophone among us: The French are not playing anymore. "Public Arenas" (Read: Movie theaters, playhouses) can block cell phone transmissions.)

9:56 AM

An open letter to people who make less than $200,000 a year and still want to vote Republican

This has been on my chest for a while now.

~~Listen up, tards:~~ My fellow citizens:

When I am driving through ~~Mansion Land~~ an affluent neighborhood and I see signs for That Man, I think to myself, "That makes sense. These people are simply ~~squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, covetous old sinners~~ voting their pocketbooks.

However, I do not understand when I am driving through a ~~White Trash~~ modest neighborhoods and I see signs supporting That Man. ~~What are you people thinking?~~ I don't think that you have fully factored the effects the current administration has had on your lives.

Your children will be used as pawns in a trumped-up war, while the children of the wealthy will go to Yale. You will not receive the tax cuts that your rich neighbors will get. Your rich neighbors will have health care; you will be denied medical procedures and medications at the whim of insurance companies. Your rich neighbors will retire in comfort; you will ~~be greeters at Wal-Mart~~ have to find other sources of income.

Do I need to go on? Well, some of you seem pretty thick:

If your daughter gets pregnant at the age of 13 after being raped, she will not have a way to end the pregnancy, because state insurance will not cover the procedure. If you fall behind in your rent payments, or if you need food, you may be forced to pray for salvation before you are given the help you need--and if you don't pray, you can be turned out on the street. If you are severely injured by a ~~Quack~~negligent physician, such that you ~~are crocked up for life~~can no longer work, you will find that you can only receive a pre-determined settlement, which may not actually pay for your medical bills.

Of course, your wealthy neighbors will have none of these problems, because they have money. ~~And they sure as hell aren't going to help you when you need it.~~ Do you want to rely on the goodness of their hearts?

They're voting in their best interest. Why aren't you?

Thank you for your time.

News:

The Supreme Court will hear cases about Church and State. And then they will hear arguments to blast Jerry Falwell into space.

GM has been watching too many episodes of Cribs. Fuel efficency, you say? Nay! Bring on the 20" wheels!

Here is an editorial about the evils of the That Man's economic plan. ~~Hey Stupid~~Mr. President: A stagnating economy is a weapon of Mass Destruction. (Ed: Make sure you click on the "That Man" link.)

Have a good day.

8:19 AM

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

For the record...

Here's the recipe.

(And you know who you are.)

Hagebuttem Soup

1/2 lb Dried rose hips
3 pt Water
4 tb Madeira (or sherry)
12 Blanched almonds; shredded
1 ts Lemon juice
1 tb Sugar
2 oz Potato flour

Wash the hips, soak them some hours in water and then let simmer till quite soft, and then force through a strainer of sieve. Boil up again and add the other ingredients and serve with little dumplings or put a spoonful of
whipped cream on top of each cup.

12:19 PM

Who you gonna call?

Our house is haunted.

Seriously. It is. Not like Amityville haunted, but haunted none the less.

Here's my proof:

-One of the previous owners died. Like, a year ago in October.

-The house is always cold. And I mean it's always at least 5 degrees cooler in the house than outside, and even colder in some areas. In the summer, Jay and I turned on our air conditioning all of 3 times.

-Stuff breaks for no apparent reason. For example, on Sunday a 6-pack of diet Coke threw itself on the floor, and exploded.

-The lights are constantly flickering on and off.

-Strange shadows appear in the halls from time to time, scaring the bejeezus out of me and Jay. (The cats are terrified of these shadows, too.)

-The doorbell rings for no reason. On Sunday, the doorbell rang, and Jason (jokingly) said: "Spirit, are you there?" And then the doorbell rang again, as if in answer. Freaked me the fuck out.

-Strange noises at night. Not like "House settling" noises. Like, "doors opening and closing" noises.

Any suggestions?

Keeping you informed:

Paul Krugman gives us some facts and exposes some Republican lies.

Sinclair Broadcasting Group will air a documentary critical of Kerry's position on Vietnam before the election.

Election cancelled: Focus group in Ohio to pick President. Don't laugh--it happened in 2000.

Have a good day.

8:09 AM

Monday, October 11, 2004

Electric Avenue

Two weeks ago, Jay and I booked a trip to Chicago for the end of this month. Now, let me tell you all the reason that you don't see me blogging about travel like some other people. And there is a reason for this: I hate to travel. I have panic attacks starting about a week before I leave (does admitting this reduce my credibility as a shrink?), I don't sleep well when I'm gone, and I have to book at least one day after returning to recover. I travel about as well as fresh fish.

Anyway, on the day that we booked the tickets and reserved a hotel room, the power in our garage went out. I dutifully went down to the basement and flipped switches, looking all butch, but the power did not come back on.

It turns out that we have a short in the line somewhere between our basement and the garage. Our garage is about 50 feet from the house, and the wire between the garage and the house is (get ready for this--) BURIED and it runs UNDER OUR PATIO.

The fun never stops here!

Hey everyone! Go out and buy a house! You'll love it! You too can spend THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS just so you can have light in the garage!!

Excuse me now. I have to go back to my liquor. I'm starting to feel something again.

7:30 PM

Welcome to my new place!

This is the new and improved Tales of a Shrink. The layout is cooler than it was before, and it should be more compatible with various browsers than it was before. Also, it's Blogger powered, so I don't have to write each post in HTML. (Great minds think alike--Travis did the same thing, at the same time I did.)

This weekend saw Jay and I hosting friends to watch the debates (in which Kerry soundly trounced That Man), going to a party (at which we purchased candles--don't ask), and having Jay's parents over for pie. Busy busy busy.

Other stuff:

Christopher Reeves dies at 52. I was kind of stunned when I read this.

Jacques Derrida also died this past weekend. Many of you are saying, "Who?" Jacques Derrida was the founder of deconstructionism, a school of philosophy that teaches that language is full of contradictions and hidden meanings. Deconstructionism also holds that an author's biases are always present, even if they are disguised in non-prejudicial language. The intellectual community was often at odds about Derrida, partly loving him, partly hating him.

Research about intecessory prayer: Evangelical bullshit, or worth-while use for government funds? You decide.

If you doubt that we are living in scary times, read this.

Have a good day.

7:52 AM

Friday, October 08, 2004

Friday Five

Friday Five: Green is the color of...:

1. What is the biggest purchase you've ever made?
Buying a house, definitely. Nothing even comes close to that. My second biggest purchase would be my master's degree.

2. Would you describe yourself as a spender or a saver?
I'm a spender, without a doubt. Jay is the saver in our relationship. I would just throw money away if Jay weren't there to remind me that we need to eat.

3. Do you consider yourself someone who makes environmentally-conscious decisions?
For the most part. I recycle, sometimes. I turn the lights off when I leave a room. I drive a fuel-efficient, low-emissions vehicle.

4. What do you envy?
I envy people with more free-time than me. And I envy people who have PhD after their names.

5. Kermit: Just Another Frog or Greatest Thing Ever?
Somewhere in the middle. But he did give us the greatest Christmas carol ever.

Broaden your horizons:

Maureen Dowd write a brilliant piece about what those of us in the mental health community have known for a long time: That Man has a serious Oedipus complex.

Cloned cats make their debut at a cat show. Awww... kittens...

Bob Herbert points out that 1 in 4 American families are just barely making it.

Let's face it: Hairless cats are weird.

Oh, and starting Monday, Tales of a Shrink will have a new look and a new URL. I know you're all waiting with bated breath.
Have a good day.

8:19 AM

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Think you're smart, asshole?

There is a man who lives down the lane from me, who rides the loudest motorcycle in existence. And I'm not exaggerating. Our house is on a corner, and when he pulls up to the intersection and waits to turn, it sounds like the world is coming to an end.

I'm tired of missing punch lines and dramatic moments because his bike drowns out my TV (of course, usually I'm watching the WB, so what can I really be missing?).

I've devised a way of dealing with this problem: When he pulls up, I look at him and say, "I shall look upon mine enemy and the dark place shall have him... Caleacgh, take his soul!"

I don't know if it will do anything for me or not, but it worked on Buffy.

3:50 PM

The Gay Man Who is Hotter and Gets Laid More Than You

I've been writing about Vice Presidential debates and taxes lately. Whee... fun! So I gift you with this.

The most pressing issue on my mind this week, dear stalkers, is how to describe myself in my nymphomanic support group Internet personal ad. I've got the basics down: "24 years old, 6'3" and 205# (all muscle, baby), warm brown hair and eyes, navel piercing, tribal tattoo circling my right bicep, calf implants, masculine, straight-acting." The area I'm having trouble with is the part marked "style."

This is where you come in, my stalkers. How would you describe my general look? Would you describe me as: Abercrombie Dude, Frat-boy Stud, A&F Hottie, Midwest College Stud, Abercrombie Boy Next Door, Corn-fed Midwestern Jock, Hot A&F Football Guy, Studly College Jock, Frat Jock Next Door, or Abercrombie & Frat?

Please help.

7:59 AM

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Episode 26, in which our hero visits his accountant

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today was the dreaded Quarterly Update. Four times a year I do a mad dance of sorting, stapling, adding, and swearing. Then I take the fruits of my labor to my accountant so he can record all my transactions and file my tax-thingy, so that the IRS goons don't drag my sorry ass off to the slammer.

When the quartely updates go well (read: when I have not been a spaz and have accurately recorded everything) they take about 15 minutes, and all is wonderful in the Matt-verse.

When they go badly (read: when my complete inability to do even the most rudimentary addition comes into play) they can take longer. This is very convenient for my accountant, as he gets paid by the hour.

Today, however, went well. I was in and out in 15 minutes. And my accountant filed my quarterly tax update-thingy (this kind of lingo is the reason I need to pay to have this done for me) so I've officially rendered unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's.

Fun Witholding Tax Fact (that I found out the hard way): If you don't file an earnings report (which is basically what it sounds like--you tell them what you made and then they tax you on it), the government will MAKE ONE UP FOR YOU, AND IT MAY ACTUALLY BE THE EARNINGS REPORT OF A MUCH LARGER BUSINESS, LIKE CHRYSLER. For example, you may, just may, miss a quarterly and get a bill in the mail for $15,472.67 in taxes. "How the hell did they come up with so huge a number?" you will ask. Answer: they made it up.

11:57 PM

Monday, October 04, 2004

Busy day, put on hold.

I didn't think I'd have time to update today, since I'm crazy-busy at work. But I am currently on hold with the NASW. Every so often I hear this message: "Thank you for continuing to hold. Your patience is appreciated. NASW is working to improve the professional images of social workers." And then it returns to music. If the weren't so busy working to improve the professional image of social workers, maybe they could take my damn call.

So I'm going to blog while I'm waiting.

I had a pretty good weekend. Among other things, Jay and I went to a Judo tournament on Sunday--my friend Laura was competing. She came in second. It was pretty cool, actually. Lots of pretty guys wearing bathrobes.

11:15 AM

Friday, October 01, 2004

There are many ways to say I love you...

Well. What shall we talk about today?

Maybe I could talk about the Presidential debate last night, in which That Man kept it simple and stupid (like the American people) and John Kerry tried to look less like a Cigar Store Indian. (Side note: you know what I really hate about That Man? The way he moves his jaw when he laughs, like he's an Evil Doll.)

Or, I could write about the conference I went to yesterday (which was why I didn't blog, by the way) about the way that neurotransmitters interact with HIV and with HAART therapy.[insert sounds of crickets]

Or I could do the Friday Five.

1. Last time you smiled:
The Clinton administration. No... Seriously... I smiled this morning, like, 2 minutes ago, at something my coworker said.

2. First time you can remember being proud of yourself:
Jesus, what is this? Chicken Soup for the Friday Five? OK... let me think... Uh... I don't know. Probably when I got an A on a spelling test, or when I made a present for my parents, or something. Sure. That's it.

3. Last time you lied:
I rarely lie. So let me see... Hmmm... Worst Friday Five ever. Honestly, I don't know.

4. First time you felt true sadness:
Oh, for the love of God! Who wrote this shit? Oprah? Fine... My hamster died when I was 9, that made me really sad. How about that?

5. Last time you you made a tough decision:
Let's say buying a house. Choosing one was pretty hard. Now fuck off, Friday Five

8:29 AM