Friday Five: Green is the color of...:

1. What is the biggest purchase you've ever made?
Buying a house, definitely. Nothing even comes close to that. My second biggest purchase would be my master's degree.

2. Would you describe yourself as a spender or a saver?
I'm a spender, without a doubt. Jay is the saver in our relationship. I would just throw money away if Jay weren't there to remind me that we need to eat.

3. Do you consider yourself someone who makes environmentally-conscious decisions?
For the most part. I recycle, sometimes. I turn the lights off when I leave a room. I drive a fuel-efficient, low-emissions vehicle.

4. What do you envy?
I envy people with more free-time than me. And I envy people who have PhD after their names.

5. Kermit: Just Another Frog or Greatest Thing Ever?
Somewhere in the middle. But he did give us the greatest Christmas carol ever.

Broaden your horizons:

Maureen Dowd write a brilliant piece about what those of us in the mental health community have known for a long time: That Man has a serious Oedipus complex.

Cloned cats make their debut at a cat show. Awww... kittens...

Bob Herbert points out that 1 in 4 American families are just barely making it.

Let's face it: Hairless cats are weird.

Have a good day.

I've been writing about Vice Presidential debates and taxes lately. Whee... fun! So I gift you with this.

The most pressing issue on my mind this week, dear stalkers, is how to describe myself in my nymphomanic support group Internet personal ad. I've got the basics down: "24 years old, 6'3" and 205# (all muscle, baby), warm brown hair and eyes, navel piercing, tribal tattoo circling my right bicep, calf implants, masculine, straight-acting." The area I'm having trouble with is the part marked "style."

This is where you come in, my stalkers. How would you describe my general look? Would you describe me as: Abercrombie Dude, Frat-boy Stud, A&F Hottie, Midwest College Stud, Abercrombie Boy Next Door, Corn-fed Midwestern Jock, Hot A&F Football Guy, Studly College Jock, Frat Jock Next Door, or Abercrombie & Frat?

Please help.

News

More Biblical action figures. I want a Moses, personally.

Is John Kerry mentally ill? It's good to know the Right Wing is firing back in absurd ways.

It's about time someone said this.

I watched the Vice-Presidential debate last night, and it angered up my blood so I didn't get much sleep last night. I'm sure that other people will talk about the issues raised, so I'm not going to do that. Besides, no one cares about the issues. The wonderful thing about a two-party system is that people already know where the candidates stand on the issues. This was about image, likeability, leadership, and effectiveness. Remember that 80% of your message is how you say it, and only 10% is what you say. I'm calling this one a draw, but if I had to, I'd give it to Edwards. Here are my thoughts:

1) Gwen Ifill (the moderator) rocks. Take this exchange:

Cheney (chuckling malevolently): "It'll take more than 30 seconds to rebut that."
Gwen Ifill (no-nonense tone): "Well, that's all you get."
Audience: Snap!

2) Dick Cheney is evil. Just look at the man. And a little hint to the Republicans: Don't dress Cheney in a black suit. It doesn't help his image. I'm thinking I should come up with a clever way of referring to our Veep. Any suggestions? I'm leaning towards something like Mr. Evil, MBA.

3) John Edwards is likeable, and has that all-important I-Sound-Like-Andy-Griffith thing, which tends to comfort American voters.

4) Edwards did a good job of taking the debate to Cheney, confronting him on misleading the American people, and on giving no-bid contracts to his former company. However, Edwards missed a lot of opportunities to strike back at Cheney, and he didn't do such a great job of defending his own positions.

5) John Edwards gave one of the best closing statements I've ever heard, period. I wanted to jump up and shout, "Edwards in '04!" All those years as a trial lawyer paid off.

The rest of the world:

Strip clubs are registering voters. As well they should.

Rodney Dangerfield died last night. Not really my style of humor, but you gotta give credit where credit is due: "I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide.' "

Paris Hilton trademarks the phrase "that's hot." I know, I know... just shake your head and say, "What the fuck?" with the rest of us. (Thanks to Chrisafer for that one.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today was the dreaded Quarterly Update. Four times a year I do a mad dance of sorting, stapling, adding, and swearing. Then I take the fruits of my labor to my accountant so he can record all my transactions and file my tax-thingy, so that the IRS goons don't drag my sorry ass off to the slammer.

When the quartely updates go well (read: when I have not been a spaz and have accurately recorded everything) they take about 15 minutes, and all is wonderful in the Matt-verse.

When they go badly (read: when my complete inability to do even the most rudimentary addition comes into play) they can take longer. This is very convenient for my accountant, as he gets paid by the hour.

Today, however, went well. I was in and out in 15 minutes. And my accountant filed my quarterly tax update-thingy (this kind of lingo is the reason I need to pay to have this done for me) so I've officially rendered unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's.

Fun Witholding Tax Fact (that I found out the hard way): If you don't file an earnings report (which is basically what it sounds like--you tell them what you made and then they tax you on it), the government will MAKE ONE UP FOR YOU, AND IT MAY ACTUALLY BE THE EARNINGS REPORT OF A MUCH LARGER BUSINESS, LIKE CHRYSLER. For example, you may, just may, miss a quarterly and get a bill in the mail for $15,472.67 in taxes. "How the hell did they come up with so huge a number?" you will ask. Answer: they made it up.

News:

That Man called Kerry "a Danger to world peace." Hello kettle? This is the pot. You're black.

If you haven't already seen it, Fox "News" ran a bogus piece about John Kerry as news. Which actually improved their credibility.

Book of Mormon action figures. Indeed.

I didn't think I'd have time to update today, since I'm crazy-busy at work. But I am currently on hold with the NASW. Every so often I hear this message: "Thank you for continuing to hold. Your patience is appreciated. NASW is working to improve the professional images of social workers." And then it returns to music. If the weren't so busy working to improve the professional image of social workers, maybe they could take my damn call.

So I'm going to blog while I'm waiting.

I had a pretty good weekend. Among other things, Jay and I went to a Judo tournament on Sunday--my friend Laura was competing. She came in second. It was pretty cool, actually. Lots of pretty guys wearing bathrobes.

The way things are:

Mount St Helens is acting up again.

Smite! A review of "Faith in the Whitehouse." Religion really is the opiate of the masses.

Religion and economics. Some people would claim that economics is a religion, but that's another matter.

And I'm still on hold.

Well. What shall we talk about today?

Maybe I could talk about the Presidential debate last night, in which That Man kept it simple and stupid (like the American people) and John Kerry tried to look less like a Cigar Store Indian. (Side note: you know what I really hate about That Man? The way he moves his jaw when he laughs, like he's an Evil Doll.)

Or, I could write about the conference I went to yesterday (which was why I didn't blog, by the way) about the way that neurotransmitters interact with HIV and with HAART therapy.[insert sounds of crickets]

Or I could do the Friday Five.

1. Last time you smiled:
The Clinton administration. No... Seriously... I smiled this morning, like, 2 minutes ago, at something my coworker said.

2. First time you can remember being proud of yourself:
Jesus, what is this? Chicken Soup for the Friday Five? OK... let me think... Uh... I don't know. Probably when I got an A on a spelling test, or when I made a present for my parents, or something. Sure. That's it.

3. Last time you lied:
I rarely lie. So let me see... Hmmm... Worst Friday Five ever. Honestly, I don't know.

4. First time you felt true sadness:
Oh, for the love of God! Who wrote this shit? Oprah? Fine... My hamster died when I was 9, that made me really sad. How about that?

5. Last time you you made a tough decision:
Let's say buying a house. Choosing one was pretty hard. Now fuck off, Friday Five.

News:

Debate Coverage. There. Read it for yourself.

This is worth reading. It's about how Secretaries of State are disenfranchising people through manipulating the system. For example: "Kenneth Blackwell, Ohio's secretary of state, instructed the state's county boards of election to reject registrations on paper of less than 80-pound stock - the sort used for paperback-book covers and postcards, compared with the 20-to-24-pound stock in everyday use."

I want wireless speakers.