Listen carefully... do you hear that noise? (Pause for dramatic effect.) You know, Matt Sweet used to live around these parts--you know about Matt Sweet, right? No? Well, it seems that years ago there was this crazy man--Matt Sweet--and he used to live in that house over there. No, not the one with the boards on the windows--the Colonial. No, that one is a bungalow. The Colonial. What do you mean you don't know what a Colonial is? What do they teach you kids in school these days?

Moving on... Matt always kept to himself, never bothered anyone. Except at night, because at night Matt had to roam the rooms of the house. (Pause for a moment.) Do you hear that noise? There it is again. (Pause again.) Why did he roam the house, you ask? Well, because of an ancient curse. Oh, how did Matt fall under this curse? I think it was some kind of demonic heartburn, probably brought on by too much evil fried food.

What do you mean that's not very scary? I didn't say it was a scary story, did I? (Pause and listen again.) Oh! I recognize that noise now--it's the smoke detector! The battery's low, you see. What do you mean, that's disappointing? You kids expect to much. Now get off my property--I'm late for my nap.

Dear Sir:

My name is Matt Sweet. I am a therapist in Michigan, or, at least I was until the Recent Political Unpleasantness. My partner Jay and I were able to escape, with the blessings of God.

In all the chaos of the revolution, Jay and I discovered and secreted away $18 (that's eighteen dollars) in an over-seas bank account (a bank in Ohio).

That's really all I have to say. I'm keeping the money--I plan on having a little nosh, and then maybe see a movie.

Matt

Take one drink everytime Matt says any of the following:
-For the love of fuck.
-I need a helmet.
-Is you retarded?

Take two drinks:
-Every time Matt eats a baked good.
-Every time Matt wishes he has superpowers.
-Every time Matt gets angry sitting in traffic.

Finish your drink when:
-Matt plays the piano.
-Matt holds his head in his hands and weeps quietly. (If this occurs in the presence of others, finish two drinks.)