Tales of a Shrink

First, let me just note that the number of visits to my site quadrupled in the last week. That's right folks... In the week that I was on vacation, I got slightly more than four times the number of usual visitors. So, I thought I'd better give those people something to read. So let me take this time to address an important social cause.

Once again, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is promoting the fallacious premise that Hollywood actually made a "Best Picture" last year. I looked over the nominees, and I was a little surprised to find that, with one exception, I had not actually seen a single one of the pictures nominated for Best Picture, Best Actor or Best Actress.

What the hell, though. I've decided to bestow my own honors on the film industry. And here they are.

Best picture:

Garden State

Best actor:

Jon Heder, in Napoleon Dynamite

Best actress:

Natalie Portman, in Garden State

Worst movie:

The Punisher
Honorable mention: Alien vs. Predator

Worst Actor:

Brad Pitt, in Troy

Worst Actress:

The Wayans Brothers in White Chicks

Best Rough Trade in a Dramatic Roll:

Vin Diesel, The Chronicles of Riddick

The "How the hell did I end up in this crappy movie?" Award:

Dame Judy Densch, for The Chronicles of Riddick.
Honorable mention: Sharon Stone for Catwoman.

The "I cannot believe that anyone would be that stupid in real life" Award:

Brittany Spears, playing herself, in Fahrenheit 9/11
Honorable mention: Anne Hathaway, playing Ella, in Ella Enchanted

The "It would be a humanitarian act if I were prevented from ever being in another movie" award:

Ben Afflick, for his entire life-time work

The "You did not make a movie in 2004, and thank you for that" Award:

Kevin Costner

The "Will someone please explain what the hell is happening?" award:

Ghost in the Shell

Best porn film:

The Passion of the Christ