Tales of a Shrink

1. Number of jobs you've held:

Ten.

2. Biggest raise, by percent:

I think I got a raise from $5.25 to $7.50 when I was at MSU, which is a 40% raise, give or take. That was the only job that ever gave me a raise, because it was the only place I ever worked long enough to get a raise.

3. Have you ever quit?

Yes. Language Masters International... It was a very small business, and I had a "personality conflict" with the director. I walked off the job in the middle of the day. AND I insisted that they pay me for the time I worked, and threatened to report them to the government if they did not. Walking off that job was the best decision I ever made in my life, even though it felt like I was making a huge mistake at the time.

4. Have you ever been fired?

Funny story. I was fired from a summer job painting dormitories when I was in college for possession of marijuana. What happened was this: The ~~fascists~~ residence hall officials I was working for noticed one day that my eyes were bloodshot (Hello! Working with paint!) and so they called for the University's drug-sniffing dog. The dog went through the hall that I was living in, and the dog indicated that there was marijuana in my room, as well as a bunch of other rooms--all of the other rooms were unoccupied at the time, being as how this was during the summer. (You follow?)

Anyway, the ~~fascists~~ bosses fired me and charged me with for possession of a controlled substance, or some such crap. Interesting side note: At MSU, the residence halls have their own justice system, which is apart from the rest of the University. So, in other words, the residence halls fired me, and then told me that I had to go to their court where they would decide on a disciplinary action.

Now, astute readers will notice that no where in the above narrative did I ever mention that the residence hall officials actually confiscated any marijuana from me. This is because they did not actually find any marijuana in my possession. So, to review, they were charging me with possession of a substance that they had no evidence that I actually possessed, except for the "testimony" of a dog.

So what did I do? I did what any smart young man would do: I called my parents and told them about it. They, in turn, engaged three (count them: THREE) lawyers, and within 48 hours I got a call from the Office of the President of the University (I am not making this up). The Office of the President wanted to know: 1) Who the hell is Matt Sweet, and 2) Why have three different lawyers been threatening the University with a law suit?

The Office of the President told me that they would consult with their lawyers. And about six hours later, I got a call from the residence hall officials, who had been directed by the Office of the President to give me my job back, with back pay. Additional,, I received a letter of apology on official Residence Hall stationery, which I still have.

My legal team advised me not to accept the job and the back pay, as this would be considered a settlement. Instead, they encouraged me to get some "punishment money." In other words, they smelled blood in the water. I politely told them that I wasn't interested, but should anything else happen in the future, I would keep their numbers on file.

5. Worst mistake, while on the job:

Hmmm... I've said some stupid things to clients, from time to time. But I'm not going to repeat them here. I have an image to uphold.