Tales of a Shrink

This post is more personal than what I usually write. Be warned.

I had a big "Oh Shit" moment yesterday when I realized that I'd missed the deadline to place an ad in the December PrideSource. (PrideSource being Michigan's LGBT yellow pages.) Since I get about 80% of my business from PrideSource, this may turn out to be a significant problem.

And since I strongly suspect that AIDS Partnership Michigan will lay me off in March of 2005 (due to a change in the way the government funds HIV care--thanks be to That Man), I worry about the future.

The fear that I will lose my practice or that I will be unemployed is paralyzing to me. I get wounded when my personal competency is challenged, and I consider career/financial success the measure of my own competency.

In other words, I'm basing my self worth on what I do for a living. That's pretty fucked up for a shrink, isn't it?

For me, this is not just the money. It's the recognition--the status. It's my identity. I like having my own business because I can say that I'm Private Practice. That's the person I want to be.

And, now that I've opened the business, I won't let myself close it down, because I don't like to fail. I don't want to have to look my friends and family in the face and tell them that I had to close my practice. I would feel like such a failure, and such a disappointment, to myself and to others.

I know that I'm overlooking something here: I started a private practice right out of graduate school, which is never done. I am 27 years old, and I've managed to pull off something that most therapists don't even attempt until they are in their late 30's. By these measures I've been wildly successful.

At the same time I don't go a single day without worrying about the future of my business. From time to time, the fear of failure consumes me. Sometimes it wakes me up in the night.

I guess what I'm saying is this: Maybe I should close the damn shop before it takes over my life even more than it already has. As it is, I'm tired of working 60+ hours every week. And now I'm starting to realize that it's taking even more of my time and energy than that.